I'm Tired

Really, really tired.

Birthday was a success. I'll post more about it when I'm not so tired.

I've had workers in my house since Wednesday. We left South Dakota very early Wednesday morning, and I drove back while Bob, Thomas and the pups slept. The whole time I drove, I focused on two things: Chevy Chase, and that scene in Vacation where his whole family is asleep in the car and the camera pans to him and he is as well. I was that tired, and that scene kept me lauging (in one of those you-really-need-help kind of ways). The other thing I focused on was that I was going to take a nap the minute we got home. I said it out loud, over and over.

It's okay to talk to one's self when no one else is listening, right?

It didn't work out that way. We got home, unloaded the car, had a quick phone call, and Bob took off for work. I was about to have Thomas read a book, when the phone rang. The furnace people wanted to come right away to start the furnace.

UGH

And so they did. I did not get my nap. I have been dragging ever since. I don't like when people are in my home--the house is small and there's no where to go. It's just unsettling to me. I'm weird that way. So having them here made the week a little more stressful.

I don't like being up and showered and dressed by 8. Neither does Thomas. We like our s~l~o~w mornings. I like to putz in the morning.

The new furnace is installed, the air conditioner, too. We're just waiting for the city inspector to come back and inspect. And then I will have my house back. Then I can take a nap.

zzzzzzzzzz

a little annoyed

I'm a little annoyed at Bob. Kinda sorta.

Thomas's birthday is Tuesday. We have everything planned and have managed, so far, to keep the secret. Bob and I sat down and discussed what we would give Thomas for his present. He wanted one Webkinz and a Sims pack. We felt -- rather, I felt that, plus the motel, was a super birthday.

Today Bob ran to Wal-mart. He came in and told me that he picked up a new bike for Thomas. He got it 50% off and couldn't resist. Plus, he used town money. He has this program where he works that gives them town money for safety points on the job. No one gets hurt, they get certificates to certain stores in our town. Bob saves them up and buys something big every now and again. So he used his town money for Thomas's bike.

Most of me is very proud that Bob did that. I asked him why he did, and he said, "Because I love my son." It makes me happy that he loves his son so much. BUT

but but but, there's always a big but in there...

To me, this crosses the line of spoiling a child. This is an expensive birthday. What will my child expect next year? How about when he's 16, will he expect us to buy him a car? Gulp, that's only three years away.

Bob gave him the bike today because all the neighborhood kids were out playing. They were riding bikes, so Bob knew that he would enjoy it this afternoon. And he did.

Thomas is thrilled beyond belief.

I just smiled and didn't let on I was annoyed. I saved that for the blog.

I won't say anything, ever. Bob rarely reads the blog anyway.

I'm just annoyed that we made a decision, jointly, as parents, and Bob deviated.

But, it is a cool bike.

sigh I'm usually the one to spoil. Go figure.

Drip, Drip, Drip

Today's excitement. Bob was relieved to find it's only a U-joint and easily fixed. He hates plumbing.

What a good excuse to clean out and reorganize under there. My pretty contact paper that I had there just lifted right off, so I'll have to find some new. I've got a fan running to dry it out.

If we have time, I am going to have Thomas Google how to repair a U-joint and make this into a school project. Bob will have him help with the project.

Our Dirty Little Secret

I have a secret, and I'm not telling -- Thomas.

Next week my BABY has a birthday and he will be a

TEENAGER!!!

How did that happen so darned fast? How can he be so old? It's making me feel old!!!

Bob and I had some alone time yesterday while Thomas was at art class. Earlier in the week, Thomas and I brainstormed what to do on his his birthday. How could we not, because he was/is obsessed! We used the white board and put all his ideas into categories. Hmm, perhaps I should have him do a writing assignment today based on this.

Anyway, Bob and I were toying with getting a motel room and having fun swimming. Then I remembered that there is a town a couple hours from here that has a motel with an indoor waterpark. Bob looked it up online and said, "Let's do it."

I had to convince Bob that we needed TWO nights there, because a couple hours getting there, going after work, leaving early the next morning just wasn't as much fun as spending an entire day poolside. He reluctantly agreed. He only has so much vacation left, but since this is a big birthday, he decided to go for it.

Reservations were made. I'm making a to-do list today. The only thing troubling me is how to get a birthday cake in the van, with two dogs -- Bob suggested we take Thomas to a store and let him pick out a cake. (Not as much fun for mom.)

We're not telling Thomas what we're up to. It's a big secret. I'm going to secretly pack, then take Thomas somewhere so Bob can load the van the day before we leave. The day we leave, Bob will take Thomas somewhere so I can put last-minute things in the car. Then we're going to tell him we're going out to dinner.

Ha, ha, ha, will he be surprised when we get on the interstate. We've decided to not say a word and keep him guessing until we get to the motel. Won't he be surprised when he sees a 130-foot water slide and indoor water park!

This is going to be fun!

The only bad part is we'll have to leave really early to get Bob to work on time. And then we'll have to start school when we get back to the house. I know I'll be needing a nap that day! Oh well, it will be worth it!

Cleaning

Saturday I made a date with Thomas. It was a cleaning date. We set aside the entire day, aside from some school assignments I had him do to catch up for Thursday. Bob had to go to work, so it was just the two of us.

We kicked it. The two of us scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed, changed sheets, pulled curtains off the rods to be washed, got on hands and knees and washed floors. We were both exhausted at the end of the day.

We only got the upstairs done. BUT, we also got our school room completely organized and picked up. We can actually do school in there now, if we so choose.


Bob put my new office chair together last night and put it in the school room, so I guess we may have to use the room a bit more.

I culled about 100 books off our shelf, boxed them up in Surf laundry boxes (I have a thing for saving those, don't ask) and stacked them in the closet. I need to start selling, I just don't have the energy right now.

Whew. This feels SO GOOD to be back to normal again.

Now today I'm faced with 10 more loads of laundry, a basement to clean, and I have zero energy. I woke up this morning due to cramps. Bad cramps. The kind I usually get the first and second day, not the fourth day. Grrrr.

Next week I'm expecting the furnace guy to call and come install our new furnace and AC. That will take two days and into the third, as he put it. It would be really nice of me to get rid of the cobwebs before he arrives. And not have baskets of dirty clothes taking up space.

I need an energy pill. I think I'll settle for a nap, and enlist Bob's help on getting the basement done. It won't take long with three of us.

One thing on Thomas's to-do list today is to fill the bird feeder. If we're going to be in the school room, we might as well be watching the birds again.

Socialization

In case you don't follow Heather's blog, My Supernatural World, pop on over and read her post on The S Word.

Excellent, Heather!

Happy Birthday Apollo

My pup is 1 today. He was neutered Wednesday, and this is how he spent his day:



Poor thing. He's on "bed rest." It's difficult to keep a border collie on bed rest. It's even more difficult to keep TWO on bed rest.

Both are recovering well, but not too happy about their collars or their more-than-usual time spent in their crates. Makes me sad, too, but I'd rather they heal than get infected. Plus, it's vet's orders.

We didn't get Apollo until November when he was 9 weeks old. I'm sure we'll celebrate adoption day, too. Today's birthday treat was a nice, juicy bone for each boy.

Daily Math Review

I cannot remember how I found this site, but I really wanted to share it here.

Awhile ago, I posted that I wanted something for math practice, and I chose Calculadders. We don't do them on a daily basis, but the upper levels are a nice refresher/practice.

Somehow, I found this site: Daily Math Review. For 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, you can download the files and have a lovely math warm-up or as they call it daily math review. There are seven problems per day, and the cover grade-appropriate skills.

Best of all, it's free.

You can print out the worksheets and answer book.

Worth a look and a save if you have youngers and like daily review type stuff!

Another Panic Attack

This morning we had to drive an hour and 15 minutes to get Apollo and Tesla. I had to stop to buy dog food and a new office chair for my aching body. We were hurrying, and left the house. I had not eaten breakfast, but did have two cups of coffee. Typically my coffee is half caf. I make it that because I don't want a full caffeine hit.

Right as we get into the car, I feel woozy. I figure it was because I hadn't eaten. We had to drive to Bob's work because he took our van by mistake, and I had to swap cars. By the time we made it a mile and a half, I told Thomas I felt funny.

We drove through McDonald's. I got an Egg McMuffin so I could get the protein--greasy, high-fat, but protein nonetheless. I also got a Diet Coke.

So as I'm driving, I just felt uneasy. Five miles down the road, I started envisioning my Dad. Yes, the scene at his kitchen table. The scene where we were sitting, I looked up, and his head was bobbing, he was unconscious, and in the throes of a heart attack. That scene played over and over and over in my mind. I couldn't get it to stop.

Driving down the road further, I had to roll the window down. I needed fresh air. It was raining. I still had to have that fresh air hit my face. About 15 miles after I started, I pulled in to a gas station. I took 1/2 of a Xanax and called my husband.

When Bob answered the phone, I started bawling. I hadn't recognized it until the very moment that I spoke with the love of my life. It's amazing to me that I didn't recognize what it was: I just had the fear I was going to pass out like my Dad did.

Bob told me to walk around, get some oxygen in my system, and let the Xanax kick in. I did. I went in, used the restroom, and noticed I was shaking violently. I bought a pack of gum, because I always feel compelled to buy something when I use a restroom.

Thomas and I walked around outside for about 15 minutes. The Xanax started to kick in. My shaking subsided.

The symptoms were: woozy feeling, impending doom--I was just sure something was going to happen, and the shaking.

I finally felt safe to drive. (BTW, my doctor informs me the only concern with driving after taking a Xanax is falling asleep. It's not a case of driving under the influence. If I take a whole Xanax, I do fall asleep. That's why I cut several up and have half pills in my bottle.)

We made it to the big city, bought the dog food, got an office chair, which thankfully the nice cute young man (I'm officially old now, those twenty-somethings are young!) put it in the car for me.

We then drove 20 miles further to get Apollo and Tesla. Apollo had a raging ear infection! Poor thing, I had no clue. So we have medication for that. Both dogs came through their surgery just fine. Both dogs were fitted with Elizabethan collars because they were licking like crazy. Both dogs look absolutely miserable and pathetic in those collars!

Thomas sat in the back with the boys on the way home. The dogs went straight into their crates and slept. They were pretty tuckered out.

Thomas had a birthday party to attend, so by the time we had the dogs taken care of, and I had talked to my sister about Dad's estate, it was time to get back in the car and drop him off. By this time I was almost shaking again -- not from a panic attack, but from a physical draining in my body that made it feel as if I could barely walk.

I called Bob and asked if he would pick Thomas up at 5, so I could lie down. Bob said he was working until 5:30. I did something I normally don't do. Normally I am fully supportive of Bob and his work, because it is of utmost importance. This time I just started bawling when he told me he couldn't. I don't know where it came from.

I was an absolute wreck today.

Bob called back 15 minutes later and told me he'd go get Thomas and just go into work early tomorrow morning. With that great news, I wiped my tears and put on my jammies. Then I discovered that Aunt Flo had come to visit.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That big panic attack I had in Denver, where I ended up in the hospital overnight, had a couple similarities to today. One was lack of eating. I've read low blood sugar can bring a panic attack on. More importantly, I have learned that I am prone to panic attacks at the onset of my menstrual cycle.

I was really shocked by it, because I've been feeling a lot better. The recent contract on Dad's house had me a little emotional, but overall I've just been more myself lately. This panic attack this morning came from left field.

So, tomorrow I'll make an appointment with my doctor. It will be a good six weeks before I will be able to get in. I am going to keep a daily diary of my mood, physical symptoms, sleep cycles and period-related issues so I am fully prepared.

I hope that we can find some kind of relief. This was scary to me. I'm sure it scared Thomas a bit, but I tried not to let on other than I felt woozy.

We ended up not getting any school done today. However, Thomas has agreed to have a make-up day on Saturday, bless his heart. He did do biology with his Dad tonight, while I slept.

What a sucky day.

Ah, Nuts

My precious boys are getting neutered today. Apollo will be 1 year old on the 26th -- what a birthday present! Tesla is 11 months. Our contract with the breeder stated we had to wait until they were a year old before neutering. There's evidence it's healthier to wait. I emailed her and asked if it would be okay to get the boys done at the same time, because recovery would be easier if they were both recovering at the same time. She agreed.

Bob and Thomas got up at 5:30, left the house at 6:30 and had he boys to the vet by 7:45. The vets here, there are two, are worth the drive.

We pick them up tomorrow. I imagine I'll be calling a couple times this afternoon to see how they're doing.

It sure is quiet without our border collies here!

Thomas is taking a nap until 10:30 and then we'll get busy with school.

Biology

Last February, I bought some text books on eBay. About the time I was expecting them to arrive, my Dad called and asked that we come to help him with his surgery. If you've been reading my blog, you know the rest of that story. Before we could leave for Denver, we had to wait for the mail man. On March 7th, the car was packed, the dogs were leashed, we were ready to walk out the door. In fact, we were out the door, watching down the street for our friendly letter carrier. When he arrived with our books, I tossed them in the school room expecting to look at them when I got home.

When we did get home from Denver, April 3, I didn't even think of the books. I left them sit. In fact, I didn't look at the books until a few days before we started school.

And when I finally opened them up, 7th and 8th grade texts with teacher's manuals and lots of other accompanying stuff, I hated them. Not what I wanted. I think they're great for Thomas to sit and read, because he actually loves to sit and read science text books. However, they weren't what I wanted to teach. Why? They're integrated science, and I that's not how I wanted to focus on our science.

Bob and I sat down and discussed, at the very last minute, what we should do for science. This is the area Thomas excels in. We discussed the typical high school plans for science, biology, chemistry and then physics for 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. We hemmed and hawed and finally decided to follow the same schedule for 7th - 9th grade.

So then we needed to find a text book. It didn't take me long. We chose Power Basis by Walch.

Bob and Thomas started Power Basics Physics--was it last year, or the year before? They liked it, Thomas learn a lot, but they stopped mid-way through because Thomas didn't have the math skills yet. We'll use it in 9th grade instead.

We got the biology stuff last week? I think, but we are going so slow that we haven't had time to start. So tonight Bob took pity on me. Thomas was begging to start biology, and I promised I'd start after dinner. (It helped that the neighborhood kids weren't going to be home tonight!) Bob volunteered. And the boys snuggled up on the floor and read three sections. And then they discussed and discussed and discussed. Thomas tends to ask a lot of science questions that I don't always know the answer to. Luckily, Bob does.



They spent an hour together all cozy.




Thomas is wrapped up in an ugly orange and brown afghan that my mother made when I was younger than he is now. I used to play with that and wrap up in that when I was a kid. No one wanted the afghan, and I couldn't stand for it to be donated, so I took it. To be fair, I don't think the afghan was ugly when she made it, but I barely like orange and I don't like brown, and I don't like them together. lol

Still, it was nice to see my Mom, who has been gone 15 years now, included in school. She would have liked that.

With Bob's help tonight, I can gladly say that we accomplished everything on our school list today. Now only if I could get everything done on my personal to-do list, but that's another story.



Even the cat joined in on their fun.

Toasty

That's how we'll be this winter.

Yesterday, I wrote a check for $2,000 for a down payment for our new furnace and air conditioner. Upon completion, we'll owe another $4,000. We'll get some good rebates, which will help.

We believe our furnace is original to our house, which was built in 1976. We had a new air conditioner put in three or four years ago, but it has been nothing but problems. I've spent hundreds of dollars getting it fixed. We really had to debate getting a new AC, but we figured it would be cheaper in the long run.

Our new furnace is very efficient. Without getting the specs out, I can't remember the numbers, but it's going to be so much better than our current. The installer swears our gas bill will go down this winter. That remains to be seen.

We're also getting an air cleaner. That wasn't specifically in his written estimate, but when he was at the house yesterday, he told me it was included.

Cool.

It took us a long time to save up for this. It will be very nice to not put it on the credit card. Of course we'll be flat broke again, but for once we did something right.

I'm dreading winter. Minnesota winters are hard because there's not a lot of sun and it gets so nasty cold. However, I'm thrilled we'll be nice and toasty this winter! And cool next summer!

Canning

I have been fascinated with the recent harvesting and canning sprees that I have been reading in the blog world. I am kitchen challenged. That kind of thing intrigues me, sparks some childhood memories, and makes me envious.

I recently asked a good friend about her canning, and she explained how she started and what kinds of things she canned. I was just taken with it. Except the part that it's hard on your kitchen floor. lol

It piqued my interest so much, I got out my Ball Blue Book out and peaked at it.

It all seems overwhelming to me and gives me fear that I may end up poisoning my family.

However, last night I found a website that was very helpful for me, the kitchen challenged wannabe. It's called Pick Your Own. Let me just say, with a title like that, I immediately thought of my nose. That's something I could do, but that's not what they mean. lol

I spent an hour last night perusing their website. It took me back to childhood, with mom making currant jelly. She used wax to seal her jelly, not the lids, though. Her currant jelly was sooo good.

It got me to really thinking I'd like to try. Obviously I've had this interest before, as I have had that Ball Blue Book for a long time. This website helped me because it gave directions, had pictures, and recipes, and great details.

I think I'm going to talk to Bob about starting up our garden again next year. Tomatoes are so expensive, and I use lots of tomato sauce, paste spaghetti sauce and cubed tomatoes in my recipes. I could start there.

I think for Christmas I'm going to ask for one of the canning kits from their website (which is actually linked to an outside link.) I might also take a peak down the canning aisle at Wal-mart the next time I go.

I shouldn't be afraid of the kitchen.

Saturday

Saturday Thomas and I got up really, really Early. One of our neighboring cities was having their annual city-wide garage sale. I have gone every year since I have lived in Minnesota, and always had a wonderful time. (Except when I went with friends who ran out of money and wanted to leave early.) Every year we come home with some really cool stuff.

The city usually rents out their fairground buildings and there were tons of sales inside. This year, only two small buildings were rented out. That was disappointing. We went to sale after sale after sale and they were duds. We came home with two books, one for Thomas and one for me. I spent a whopping sixty cents.

Upon arrival home, I ran to the computer. We had a verbal offer on my Dad's house. The contract was supposed to come in yesterday, I was to print and sign and scan and email back.

There was no contract.

I checked email a million times yesterday. Nothing.

I have to say, I got really disappointed and blue last night.

This morning, Tesla woke me. He was in Thomas's room, whining. Bob was up but hadn't taken the dogs out yet. It was 6 a.m. I got up, put the puppies out, and called down to Bob to check my email. Imagine my surprise when he said, "IT'S HERE!"

The contract didn't come in until late in the evening, and the realtor emailed it after 11 p.m.

Please send good vibes or say a prayer that this goes through. We need closure. The sale of his home, especially in this market, has been a huge worry for my sister and I.

The realtor told us yesterday that everyone uses regular-sized paper now, so I'd be able to print and scan the contract. Lo and behold, the contract is legal size. So I have to see if my printer will even print legal (I know it will, at least I hope) and then I will have to find someone with a fax machine. But first, I have to go buy some legal-sized paper. This all needs to be done early, as the contract expires at noon. I called our grocery stores at 6 a.m. and they assure me they can fax.

So much for sleeping in on a Sunday morning, but what a good reason I can't!

Focus and Attention

Last week I reported that Thomas's focus and attention was spot on.

Sadly, this week it was not. And it was so far from being what a typical seventh grader should be, that it scared me. (Typical=me, I guess. And my assumptions of other children.)

Thomas and I have discussed at length his attention issues. He's had these issues forever. He can focus on something he loves, or if he's in the right mood he can do better than normal, but normal just isn't good.

I believe it's at the point we need to take action. We have a neurologist appointment coming up. When we got the epilepsy diagnosis, actually right before the diagnosis, the doctor was asking if Thomas had problems with focus and attention. I think I said yes, but I did not elaborate because I felt that I should have the discussion with Thomas before I started bringing things up with the doc.

We've had the discussion. We've also had a lot of tears this week because of the problem. He's ready for some help.

I am at a loss on where to turn. Should we get another eval from an educational psychologist? Or not? I know all his issues are neurological in nature. I am at a loss on where to search anymore. We've tried all the techniques that I've found. We actually didn't get any recommendations when we had him tested before except to send him to a special school that cost $17,000 a year. That, plus the fact we would have to move, find a job, etc., made that not an option. We were told not to ever give him any work that was timed. Well, we don't typically, but for some reason he's really able to turn it on and do well on the timed standardized tests. It takes a lot out of him, though.

I'm just not educated in this area. I'm hoping that the neurologist will help. Do I take our IQ tests, our results from the educational psychologist from five years ago? Do I take our standardized test results? Should I write up a little spiel about the issues he's having? I get befuddled in the office and I think I would be able to express my concerns better that way. What all do I include other than if I don't sit by the table while Thomas is doing his work, he stares into space. Do I tell him that math brings out the worst in him?

This is all new to me. I think Thomas has matured and made great gains since we've homeschooled. Even given the age difference, he has coped, learned skills to help, but it could be better. And I want what's best for my son.

Someone want to hold my hand through this and tell me what to do?

We see the doctor at the end of the month. I'm trying to get prepared ahead of time.

ugh

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Church. Gulp.

While I keep this blog mostly secular in nature, I am not a secular person. I call myself a Christian, but I also have some new-age beliefs.

Thomas has always had some version of a bible, from the children's bible and now he has one geared toward teens. He reads it on his own when he feels the need. He has read the child bible a few times.

Many, many times he has asked to start going to church.

I don't like organized religion. I guess I have nothing against it, but I've personally never had good experiences with it. Now knowing that I have an anxiety disorder, I look back and see that anxiety has always been on high when I was at church.

My mother taught me that my religions beliefs were just that, mine. She allowed me to go to church. I went to the Church of Christ as a younger child, which was my favorite. In elementary school years I attended The First Congregational Church. That was okay. In junior high, I went to a Baptist church with my friend. Until, that is, the preacher told me I would burn in hell unless I joined their church. Mom had to do some damage control after that. And I did not go to church again until I was an adult.

As an adult, after Bob and I married, we attended a WELS church. Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod. As the judge I used to work for, who was the son of an Assembly of God minister, told me: the WELS is the strictest of all churches. He was right.

Bob and I attended for about a year. It wasn't very welcoming, well, the congregation wasn't. The pastor used to ring our doorbell at odd times, always unannounced. He came frequently. I found it highly annoying. I took classes to join the church.

In the midst of those classes, my Mom died. The pastor was an ass, and said some things to me that I have never been able to get over and forget. Bob and I agreed to quit going. And we did.

Thomas has been asking to go to church for several years. My mom had it right: she let ME choose. I'm not letting Thomas choose, though. I'm not being open minded.

He asked me again today if I would take him to church.

Last summer, after he'd been begging, I met the pastor of the local WELS church at the county fair, talked with him at length, told him my husband grew up in that church, attended that church's private high school 400 miles from his home. I neglected to tell him that Bob had some issues with his church. I wrote my name and number down. We talked at length, and I felt uneasy, but at least I knew Bob would go with us (to help me through my fear, because I'm really uncomfortable in churches.)

The pastor never contacted us. He said he would. I felt slighted. Now, I'm a big girl, I knew where the church was, and I darned well could have gone to a service. In fact, one morning Thomas and I staked out the church, 15 minutes before services started, and watched to see who went in. It's a very small congregation.

In my heart, though, I knew it wasn't the right church. They're anti-woman. (Okay, let me rephrase that: their interpretation of the bible is anti-woman.) No women pastors and the women in the congregation can't vote on church decisions.

Obviously, that wasn't the right choice.

So that leads me to today. I guess I wouldn't mind going to church, if I found the right one. They have to be true Christians, and not anti-this, anti-that and I don't want to be preached hate.

I have no idea where to look. I think the Methodist church might work or me, BUT...this is a small town and frankly, there are people there I DO NOT LIKE. Isn't that awful? Thomas and I went to a mom's group when he was 4 at the local Methodist church. The kids were awful. And because it's a small town, I have kept up with these kids, and I really don't want to be around them or have Thomas around them.

So, that's out.

Anything having to do with the Baptists is out.

There's no UU in our town.

The other Lutheran synods -- there's only one I would consider. I'm not a Lutheran, though, my husband is.

Big church? Small church? What kind? I don't know what half the churches believe. What is an Evangelical Covenant church? Episcopal? Apostolic Fellowship?

Which church would I have to do the least damage control with Thomas? I'd like him to be involved with youth groups. I'd like him to learn about the bible. That way, he can make an informed decision on his religious path. Just like Mom did for me.

I just don't want him coming home hating gays, liberals, rock 'n roll, women, etc.

Another thing that a church would provide is an opportunity for service. I was always very service orientated as a child. I volunteered a lot, and enjoyed it. Our town is so small, that there would be more opportunities for service projects through a church than individually volunteering.

So if any of my readers can make some suggestions, I'd appreciate it.

I hold my religion close. I don't like talking about it. You'll never find me quoting bible passages, except the one about worrying about someone else's splinter when you have a log in your own eye. lol I still want secular curriculum. I'll still gravitate toward the secular or heathen boards. I am and will still be the same as I've been here.

But I can do this for Thomas. I just don't know where to go, which would be less prejudiced and judgmental. Where I would feel comfortable, with my anxiety issues.

???

19 Years is a Long Time -- Happy Anniversary to Us

Frankie and Bob. September 16, 1989. A beautiful day, a short ceremony at Stav Kirk, also known as The Chapel in the Hills, in Rapid City, South Dakota. It was perfect except for one thing.

Mom made my dress. I hated it. There, I said it. Great to get that off my chest, because I don't know that I have said that before. I had picked a lovely gown that fit me, fit my body, and fit my personality. Mom wanted to make a dress, picked the pattern, and I hated it. She made the bridesmaid's dresses, too. From the same pattern. And my flower girl's dress. Same pattern. Then she complained that it was the hardest pattern she had ever sewn and that she shouldn't have agreed to the pattern I chose. Oy.

I was thankful, though. It was just a dress, the event was what was of importance. She made the veil, too. I -- oh, never mind.

It is hard to imagine that we have been married for 19 years, but it's true. I have the gray hair to prove it. How come Bob has no gray hair?

Happy anniversary, honey, in case you happen to actually read my blog. Here's to many more.

One-Liners

Last week we had three really good one-liners in this house.

On Monday night, Bob was watching Monday Night Football. The Vikings (our team) were playing their rivals, Green Bay.

Thomas was outside playing.

It's never a good thing to be in the house when Bob is watching football. He swears. And he doesn't think before he swears.

So while he was watching, I was on a three-way phone call with my sister and our realtor for Dad's house.

As we were talking, Bob let out a shout, and it was loud.

F***. (G-rated blog, otherwise I'd write the word.)

There was a pause on the phone. My sister didn't hear it, but the realtor did. I paused for a second, said ummmmmmmm, and then said, "Sorry, Monday Night Football." Lots of laughter and understanding. Whew.

Bob sheepishly came in the room and apologized, which I conveyed to the realtor.


The second one-liner was by Thomas. We were discussing getting along with friends. The little girl across the street is kind of spoiled and not always nice. I said words my mother used to say to me: "Two wrongs don't make a right." Thomas said:

Yes, but three lefts do.

I was so shocked he said that, but I found it funny.

The third one was a wake-up call from Thomas to me. It needs no explanation.

Mom, you really need to get your mustache under control.

And he was right. Dang aging.

Sunday

It seems that someone flipped a switch and summer ended just like that. It's been a cool week with a lot of rain. This morning I stayed in bed completely relaxed, listening to the sound of the rain. It's one of those thing I love to do, snuggling up and just existing in a comfortable, dreamy state. The rain was just icing on the cake.

Thursday and Friday were rough school days for Thomas. He just could not focus on math. He cried. It's always math that brings out this ability to shut his brain down. As he's maturing, I notice he's much more aware of his shortcoming, and it really bothers him.

He uttered the evil words: I'm stupid.

I hit the roof. You are NOT stupid. I actually got mad at him for saying such a thing. After I calmed down, we talked and talked. He cried. I cried. Then he got to work. It took him over two hours both Thursday and Friday to complete his work.

My heart ached for him. I made him persevere and get it done, while trying to boost his confidence at the same time. A difficult task.

Later I Googled focusing topics. I came up with something we are going to try. The Gifted Development Center in Denver has a great website with lots of helps and tidbits for kids. We found a technique called Hocus, Pocus, Hyperfocus. We're going to try it. The only thing was that Thomas didn't like the name of it, he thought it was babyish. So we're just going to call it Hyperfocus.

We are going to discuss this issue with the neurologist when we next visit.

Otherwise, it was a good week. Busy, but good.

Tweaking Already

Ah, the second week of school, time to tweak already.

No sense in trying to make something work. I don't like the science book we bought. I actually bought two. They're integrated science books by Glencoe. Last year Thomas read Life Science and most of Earth Science by Glencoe on his own. So I figured that this would be a hit, too.

It may be with him, but it's not with me. I find them choppy, light, and dull. I think they'll be great for him to sit and read on his own, but I wanted something more this year.

Bob and I sat down and had a teacher/principal conference. Or perhaps it was a parent-teacher conference. Whatever. We discussed what we wanted to accomplish in high school and worked back.

10th grade: biology
11th grade: chemistry
12th grade: physics

So, Bob came up with the brilliant plan to do that same order starting in 7th grade. So I'm stuck trying to find a middle school biology program.

I didn't look too hard. We're ordering Power Basics Biology. That was fairly easy.

Another GREAT tweak? ROSETTA STONE!!!!!!! A good friend sold me hers for a good price. It arrived this weekend, and I sat and did the first lesson. Six times. Ahem.

I love it. It is the way to teach me a language. The older I get, the harder it is for me to learn a language, as our dismal attempt last year proved. This is right up my alley.

So yesterday Thomas had his first lesson. He liked it. At first he got frustrated because he didn't know what the words meant, but as he went through it he realized he would have to use his brain to figure things out.

As I suspected, he's doing better than I am. I am trying to stay a lesson ahead of him so I get that extra needed practice.

It's a BIG hit, though. I am so thankful to my friend!!

Other tweaking I have to figure out: scheduling. As usual, I have too much on our plates and not enough time. We have not started Lightning Literature, keyboarding or computer studies. I haven't thrown art in, either.

I'm going to have to play with our schedule a bit to make everything fit without being overwhelming.

We are loving our spelling program still.

Tonight I'm going to spend an hour studying and trying to get a final tweak completed. A final tweak for now, at least.

Thank you, Dad

I've blogged about my CD player dying. Lots of people recommended a Bose, but I just couldn't afford it. Nor could I afford a new boom box.

Dad to the rescue. Dad's been gone for almost four months already. Sigh. I still miss him, but time is easing the sting, just a tad.

Every year for Christmas, Dad would send us a check. He gave Bob and I $100 each, and Thomas a different amount. I hoarded my money. I'd spend it now and then, but I had a special place in my home that I would hide my crisp $100 bills. I hid them so I wouldn't be tempted to spend them on groceries or necessities. I have dipped into that stash from time to time for my traveling, or other nice things just for me, but I always kept a reserve.

I was down to $200. I was also "down" listening to our music and SOTW on horrible speakers. I would hear a cacophony of music or words that would make the hair on my neck stand up. I couldn't bear to listen.

So I grabbed that $200 and went to Shopko. I bought myself a JVC Micro Component System. It has an iPod dock. I don't have an iPod, I have a Creative Zen. I may just start saving for an iPod, though even though I wanted a Shuffle, which won't work with the JVC.

The sound on this little mini-stereo, as I call it, is fantastic! I couldn't be happier. SOTW sounds great, and so does Abba. I bought a cheap $9.95 Abba CD for Thomas on the first day of school, and we have listened to it a million times already.

I'm thrilled. It makes me happier to think that this is a gift from my Dad. I have just little money left to start my iPod fund.

zzzz

Sleep has been much improved this week, thankfully. I know it's only Tuesday, but I'm hopeful.

At any rate, I have noticed that during Thomas's least favorite subject, math, I get so tired I could just pass out. It doesn't matter what time of day he does math. It puts me to sleep.

He still can't stay focused unless I am sitting next to him. He's a lot better, but remain, I will, until he's "there."

I still marvel at how he has matured since last year. It boggles my mind.

I still marvel at how much he is able to write: handwriting, copying math problems, etc.

But why, oh, why does the math make me fall to sleep?

I think we have a math phobia in this house: He hates it, and I hate sitting through it. sigh

I'm a mean mom when it comes to math, though. Mean in that I won't let up, because it's so darned important.

but...zzzzzz

Spelling, Week 2

unconscious
vacation
wander
yellow
aboard
baking
cafeteria
dairy
economy
familiar
gauge
identical
jewelry
knew
laboratory
magazine
natural naturally
obey
paid
questionnaire


un-con-scious
va-ca-tion
wan-der
yel-low
a-board
bak-ing
caf-e-te-ria
dair-y
econ-o-my
fa-mil-iar
gauge
i-den-ti-cal
jew-el-ry
knew
lab-o-ra-to-ry
mag-a-zine
nat-u-ral
nat-u-ral-ly
o-bey
paid
ques-tion-naire

At the End of the Day...

I'm glad to report we got everything done in my plan for the day. Whew! Thomas let me sleep a little this morning, and he did his independent work. Then when I got up, still feeling groggy, I loaded up with coffee and we put nose to grindstone and got 'er done.

I have noticed a big jump in maturity this year. I still get lots of whines, especially over math, but...

The big thing I've noticed may seem silly to others. Typically with math, I cut up the math book and let Thomas write directly into the book. We use Rod and Staff. I hadn't cut it up beforehand this year, and Thomas suggested that we not ruin the book and use a spiral instead. In years gone by, he never could have copied all the problems to the paper. It would have just been overload to him. (One of the pesky parts of his learning disabilities.) This year, he's been able to handle that task beautifully!

He's upset with me that I want each problem on a separate line, with a line in between the last answer and the new problem. He would rather save space and do work from left to right, smushed up, making it illegible. So he caved when I, um, demanded he do things my way. The result is his work is much neater than last year.

He's been kicking butt with his logic! Wow, can that kid think. He's been working hard at spelling, struggling with the list I made him, but learning a few each day. His spelling program so far is a big hit. I'll wait until we've gone halfway through the book and I see how he's doing before I give a formal review.

He has been able to write and write and write without complaint. He's had to do a lot of sentence writing for our grammar program, and his work has been neat and his hand isn't getting tired.

Ahhhh.

I have a feeling seventh grade is going to be a fantastic year for us! And we are ready for a fantastic year.

Good Morning!

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it's a beautiful day. Everyone is fresh from a good night's sleep: EXCEPT ME. I was up all night.

Second night in a row. The night previous, the last time I looked at the clock it was 4am.

What's keeping me up?

Sarah Palin.

I've got myself all worked up over politics. I'm married to a republican. My best friend is a democrat. I'm a moderate. I seem to always be caught in the middle of things. I've already expressed by my views, so I won't go there.

I will mention this. Sarah Palin's youngest daughter was as cute as a bug's ear while her mother gave her speech. The licking of her hand and smoothing of baby brother's hair was precious. I've read that in quite a few places on the web, everyone thinking that was cute.

I haven't read this: Was there anyone out there, besides me, thinking: TWO HANDS, hold that baby with two hands??? That made me nervous seeing that little girl holding her baby brother with one hand.

I know that I am an anxious person. I know that I need to let go of the politics. I need my sleep. When I get anxious, I don't sleep. So no more reading about politics. Let's see how long that lasts!

I'm going to try to take a nap now. Before I do, I'm going to gather several things that Thomas can do without mom's instruction. I'll get up with him, probably do math, and then I'll take a morning nap, because I cannot function with little to no sleep, I just can't. I will not nap in the afternoon, though. He can work on independent stuff while I take an hour snooze, and then I'll get up and finish the stuff I need to with him.

Not optimal, but it will do.

This is why I don't watch or read a lot of news, because I get too worked up over stuff. While that means I'm not keeping current, which isn't good, it means that I don't get worked up about stuff. Sometimes it stinks being a highly emotional person.

Spelling, Week 1

In addition to our spelling program this year, we are going to work on a list of 20 words each week. Thomas is weak in spelling, and we are going to work really hard at it this year. I decided to scour the internet for lists of most commonly misspelled words. I made lots of lists, and from that, a master list. From that, I'm picking 20 words each week, in no particular order.

I am printing the lists for him, and it is his job to study them on his own. He'll have a test on Friday. I have chosen to chunk the words for him, so he visualize them better.

Hopefully we'll see great improvement this year! I'm planning on sharing the lists here, as this IS my homeschool journal, even though I go way off into left field so many times.



Week 1

abbreviate
baggage
cabbage
daily
eager
facilities
gadget
hammer
icicle
jealous
kitchen
label
machinery
naive
obedience
package
quarter
raise
safety
tariff



ab-bre-vi-ate
bag-gage
cab-bage
dai-ly
ea-ger
fa-cil-i-ties
gad-get
ham-mer
i-ci-cle
jeal-ous
kitch-en
la-bel
ma-chin-er-y
na-ive
o-be-di-ence
pack-age
quar-ter
raise
safe-ty
tar-iff

This and That

Monday. Nice to have a day off. For Bob, that is, somehow moms never get a day off.

I need to get to civilization sometime soon. My boom box is dying. Thomas and Bob bought me a very nice CD player for the kitchen a few years ago. It's a Sony, it's pretty--has a lovely blue neon light--and has great sound. The sad thing is that the CD player is no longer working. It started going on the blitz this past spring, and now I cannot get any CDs to play.

That presents a problem when we want decent quality for our Story of the World CDs. (We're doing SOTW4 this year.) Plus, I like music, and I can't play my CDs.

My past CD player lasted about four years, and the CD player went on it, too. Everything else on both continued to work just fine.

Bob suggested getting a Bose. I laughed and said I don't want to spend that much money. $500? $150 tops for me, thank you very much.

I still haven't got that Abba CD, and Thomas continues to listen to Abba on You Tube.

Cha-ching.

And another thing. The new chairs we bought for our kitchen table don't work well for me. I waited so long for the beautiful new chocolate brown chairs. They look so much better than the chairs we had that we bought right after (or was it before?) we were married. (1989!) The thing is: it hurts my back to sit in these chairs. I've tried adjusting the chairs in all different manners, but it just isn't working. Bob suggested that I buy a nice-quality office chair. He told me not to worry about what it looks like at my kitchen table, because my back is more important. He's right. So I'll have to make a trip to the big city.

Cha-ching. Cha-ching.

The chair is a necessity. The boom box and Abba CD: not so much. We will use Thomas's CD player, but the sound quality stinks.

I've been debating our first day of school. I had originally planned on jumping right in, going full force. I think Thomas and I need a more gentle approach. So, I held back on cleaning the school room like I normally would. I did manage to get all the books off the floor, though. We will jump right in with math and a few other core subjects, but we'll also organize and clean our school room.

We didn't use the school room much last yea. The year before we did. We both prefer the kitchen table. I have come up with a compromise, though. Our kitchen faces east, so we have nasty sun in the mornings. We have large kitchen windows, so we usually keep the windows closed up until 11ish. We've decided we'll do school in the west-facing school room in the mornings and then move to the kitchen table in the afternoons. That way we get open windows, we'll be able to resume our bird watching out the school room, and we'll be able to keep the table less messy. Bob just hates it when he comes home for lunch and all our stuff is spread out on the table.

Of course we'll have our annual first day of school drive-through breakfast tomorrow. Biscuits and Gravy for Thomas from Arby's (we miss Hardee's so!) and an Egg McMuffin from McDonald's for me.

This past week I was nervous about starting school. Today I'm very relaxed about it. I think taking the pressure off to get the room perfect, everything perfectly organized helped me. Plus, if I make Thomas participate in that, he'll take more ownership in it. And the kid has some very good ideas on organization, too. He's much more creative than I am.

The rest of the day today I will be finishing laundry and paying bills, sipping coffee and putzing. Oh, and preparing my annual letter to the school district, can't forget that! And watching news coverage of the hurricane.

Spanish

Thomas and I tried to study Spanish last year. We have Bob's college text and tapes. It really isn't too much for us even though it's a text book because we can break it down into small chunks. Thomas does really well with the chunks.

We're having a slight problem, though. That problem is ME! I just am putting up a block to learning Spanish! I am slowing us down because I can't remember the vocabulary and then I cannot pronounce it correctly.

To be quite honest, I think the text book is boring. It was free, sitting there on the shelf gathering dust -- and then I bought another text book on eBay so we'd each have one, and that was less than $10. The price was right. But it's boring.

I've been looking at Rosetta Stone. Wow, it's a lot of money. I sure like the visuals though. I have done the Turkish sample a few times and I am remembering what I'm hearing/seeing. Thomas did that sample once and remembered it all.

Is Rosetta Stone worth the money?

money, money, money

Music to My Ears

I caught Thomas singing yesterday. Big deal, right? Yeah, it was a big deal because Thomas doesn't sing.

My kiddo isn't in to music. He hates--H-A-T-E-S--to sing. His one complaint about summer camp? Singing camp songs. He refused.

So yesterday I heard him singing. I can't complain about what he was singing, because he was singing.

Want to know the band that he is now in love with? I have had to endure listening to every one of their You Tube videos for the past few days. It's okay, because I like them -- takes me back to my childhood and teen days. I've never owned their album. Thomas will, though, as soon as I can get to Wal-Mart. I'm going to buy him a Happy New Year/Not Back to School present for Tuesday morning. We can listen to it during school that day. On my CD player, that sounds a million times better than the speakers on our laptops.

This is his new favorite band and song: (Should we be concerned? lol) (I think he has a crush on Agnetha, who must be near 60 by now. She was a cutie in the video, though.)

The Hardest Thing...

The hardest thing I ever did in my life was have a child and return to work. I had no choice, as Bob was finishing up his degree and I was the bread winner. I worked until Thomas was 22 months old. I hated every single minute I was away from my baby.

So I was quite shocked when I was reading about Governor Palin just now at Wikipedia. She had her youngest child on April 18, 2008. This baby boy has Down Syndrome. This baby is four months old. Four months old.

Personally, I could never spend that much time away from my baby, especially a special needs baby, especially when I knew how much time is going to be spent campaigning.

I will not judge. I will not judge. I will not judge.

I know some women are better mothers when they work. I worked with them. I know no one thinks twice about a man spending that much time away from his baby.

I'm old fashioned and sexist, I guess.

I just find it -- looking for a word here -- strange.

I am sitting here very torn, because I'm all for Women's Lib. I believe wholeheartedly in a woman's right to choose, equal pay for equal work, etc. I really do. And I believe a woman has a right to choose to work or stay home with her child(ren). And I support that choice. But do I in all cases?

I just could never leave my baby, my four-month-old Down Syndrome baby, like that. I just couldn't do it. And sadly, I have the need to force myself to work on being open minded about it.

I had already made my decision to vote for Obama, so this isn't a political thing. It's a mother thing.

Frankie, who has some work to do and fully expects lots of negative comments on this one!

A Lovely Day

Thomas and I had a lovely day today. Instead of working on school plans, cleaning the school room, paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning house, etc., we hopped in the car and headed toward civilization.

Mankato, Minnesota was our destination. It's over an hour from where we live, but it's the closest town that has any big chain stores. Well, we have Walmart and Kmart and a few fast food chains, but it has a mall, a BOOKSTORE, an Office Max, Sam's Club...cool stores.

Today's mission was to find The Sims2 Apartment Life for Thomas. We could have got it here, but it was much more fun to go there. We left this morning. We went to the mall and walked it a few times. Ahhh, Frankie needed to get off her lazy you-know-what and exercise a little. Then we hit all the fun stores: Yankee Candles, where I made a small purchase, the Game Stop where Thomas was sorely disappointed that what he was seeking didn't come out until tomorrow. And of course we hit the bookstore.

We went to the great pet store and bought our good dog food and two containers to store the food in. Pesky little border collies are too smart for Rubbermaid containers. We bought two containers that latch and they won't be able to open. Ahem, hopefully. The dogs like to snack on the cat food, so hopefully we'll alleviate that!

We went to Sally Beauty Supply just because Bob wasn't with us and I could. lol Bob will buy monthly female products at the grocery store without batting an eye, but he won't go to Sally Beauty Supply. Go figure.

We stopped off at a Baker's Square for a mid-afternoon snack. We had never gone there before, and we indulged in cheesecake and a cinnamon roll. Mmmmm.

All the while, we talked and talked like we hadn't seen each other in a long time. We laughed, we joked, and we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.

It was a special day. We left the sadness and grieving behind. We lived in the moment and loved each other's company.

I was only slightly annoyed at our final stop on the way out of town: Best Buy. The greeter at the door was a retired gentleman. He touched my arm and asked, "When does school start?" I smiled and said Tuesday. He said, "Oh, Mom, I bet you're glad!" This is where Frankie got a little ornery. I smiled and said, "Oh, yes, we're very excited to start school again. We homeschool. My son is a very good kid and I really enjoy being in his company."

The man literally took a step back. He smiled, said that was great, and then turned and walked away.

Why do people assume that moms are tired of being with their kids at the end of summer? Even when Thomas WAS in public school, I hated the start of school. I hated it! I will never get that.

Mom 101: Love your child each and every moment, because they grow too damned fast. They'll be on their own in the blink of an eye. So don't get annoyed by them being with you, embrace it. If they're climbing the walls, be a parent and do something with them, guide them, love them.

There, off my soap box.

So yes, we are excited for school to start this year. Even Thomas confessed today he's ready to go, albeit a little nervous. He knows the work will be more difficult this year. But we're excited because we homeschool.

Friendships

The way we form friendships is changing. No longer are they formed only face to face, some chance meeting, but now they are formed in cyber world.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all my cyber friends for the support I've been receiving here on the blog. It really means a lot getting an encouraging word when one is sorely needed.

Tonight I talked with one of my e-friends on the phone for close to two hours. She did more to pick up my spirits and encourage me. She's even pumped me up enough to clean out the school room tomorrow! I enjoy listening to all she's going through in life at the moment and her homeschooling journey. Thank you, Blue Hen.

Thank you to my Georgia Peach and Becky, who have also stuck by me in all my craziness. It means a lot.

And thanks to everyone for reading my blog when I have clearly gone way off topic for so long. Your comments mean a lot. And even if people read and don't comment, thanks for sticking with me.

I have a few friends here in my small town, but they're the kind I have to watch what I say. I feel so liberated here at the blog to be myself. (Okay, I don't swear on the blog and I do say an occasional naughty word in real life, but I try to have a little class here.)

So thank you, to all my friends.

I hope to stick more to homeschooling and less on my woes in the future. I won't quit whining, but I'll try to curb it.

I leave you with a poem:

Internet Friends
by Ann Stareyes

My Internet Friends
You're so dear to my heart.

Family I've found
Real friendship I've received
I love you all so
Every moment shared
Never will be forgot
Deep within my heart
Special friends I cherish.

Sleep, Or Lack Thereof

It is 7:10 am. I have been up all night. Not by choice.

In the last week, I have had three sleepless nights. Normally I can drift off when Bob gets up and starts getting ready for work. Today I didn't because his jeans were in the washer and I got up and threw them in the dryer so he'd have something to wear to work. Nice of me, eh?

I think I'm going to try to stay up.

I think this lack of sleep is due to the grieving process. I constantly think of my Dad, I worry about his house selling, I re-live the past five months over and over and over. I worry about Thomas. I worry about school, and my inability to finish getting it all planned out. We're good to go, really, but I'm a planner and I haven't done that anal planning that I like to do with pretty planner pages. I'm just weird that way.

Okay, so to add to the grieving, I have anxiety issues. Obviously. This is just stupid, because lack of sleep -- or lack of eight hours -- is really bad for my health. I'm the type that needs eight hours, nine is ideal. It's like a vicious cycle: lack of sleep produces anxiety, anxiety produces lack of sleep.

I've stated before, I am ready to start school so we'll get that routine going. That will help.

On the other hand, all these sleepless hours were spent researching commonly misspelled words. I'm making up my own list, then I'll make some very basic worksheets. Thomas, in addition to his spelling program that I bought, is going to have to tough it out with a list of 20 spelling words a week. Whether he likes it or not.

I wonder how long I'll last today. I'll probably end up taking a nap. And then I won't be able to sleep tonight. Nah, I'll go to Walgreen's and re-fill my Ambien prescription. It's been a few weeks since I've been out, so even though I was trying to get by not using it, I think I need it.

At least it's a beautiful morning.

School Supplies

I usually go all out for school supplies. I love school supplies. Fresh pencils with clean, unused erasers, new pens with perfect tips, crisp, fresh paper...ahhh.

So this year I went all out. I got:

1 24-pack of Bic Mark It pens. I did not need these. I have a thousand Sharpies. I just had to try them out. (And yes, I like them -- but I still like Sharpies.) They were on sale for $6.99 at Walgreen's.

4 packs of Black Warrior Pencils .39 a box at Walgreen's.

10 folders at Office Max for a penny apiece.

1 12-pack of Flair markers. For me, not Thomas. I love Flairs.

Two reams of white paper.

And that's it.

I about broke the bank with this year's shopping haul. I think I spent $15 tops.

Normally I spend *a lot* but I just couldn't justify spending money on fun stuff when I have a school room full of it.

This is so out of character for me! When we were at Office Max, I begged Thomas to pick out his two favorite colors of printer paper. I was thinking nice pastel greens or blues or yellows. Imagine my shock when he told me he actually prefers white. AAAACCCK. It's all about color, baby! The horror of it all!

Less is more this year.

Monday

Is it Monday already? My days are blurred.

I don't mind admitting here that I have been in a terrible funk for quite a few days now. I try so hard to stay positive, but my body and soul just ache from fatigue.

School starts two weeks from tomorrow. I follow our local public school schedule, and I'm very thankful they don't start until September.

I have two weeks to get my house in order, school planning completed, laundry caught up, bills paid, estate inventory done -- well, that needs to be done asap, and throw in some final summer fun. It all seems so overwhelming at the moment.

So today I took baby steps. That's the only thing I know to do when I get in a funk. I dug in and built a little momentum and got a little done. Physically, I am still not normal. I'm still on antibiotics, my ears are still popping, and I'm still easily exhausted. The good news is that I'm feeling so, so much better.

I'm wanting to follow my good friend Becky's advice by having a happy new year party. I usually think in terms of school year anyway. It's a little difficult, though, because memories of Dad pop into my head all the time. They make me stop what I'm doing and think and sometimes cry, sometimes smile. I suppose that will go on for awhile. It just makes me very sad that Dad won't be part of new year.

With the new year brings fear of what may or may not happen as well. It will be full of doctor appointments, adjusting to medications, getting the level just right, and my person fear of seizures. I can't get wrapped up in that, though. That fear is what is doing me in.

Breathe. One moment at a time.

Fear aside, I'm very anxious to start school again. I'm anxious and happily anticipating a normal routine. I'm excited to start learning again. I think that will do me more good, help me get back to a better place in my mind. I need that.

Thomas is doing very well. He still has bursts of frustration about his diagnosis and asks questions out of the blue. I think it's on his mind a lot. He's happy, though. Going to summer camp did more good for him, it renewed him. He's cheerful and optimistic.

Onward...more baby steps to take to get everything accomplished.

Puppy Love

My precious puppies this morning.

expensive day

Thomas had his appointment with the ENT today. I told Bob before we left the house that I really had an attitude about this appointment, because even though he snores on occasion--it's a light snore not like my window-rattling snores--I didn't think he had sleep apnea issues. I told him that doctor would have convince me of the necessity of having the tonsils removed.

His neurologist said he had a small airway and should probably have his tonsils removed. We got there, she asked us about snoring and if his breathing stopped in his sleep, which it doesn't. She looked at his throat quickly. She turned to us and said his tonsils are small, he has a good airway, and not to bother coming back unless we hear him stop breathing in the night -- or gasping, which she demonstrated.

I hate to imagine how much money this visit is going to cost when I add it all up. Let's see, Bob took a half day off work, we ate an early dinner at the Olive Garden, the gas to the big city and back, the visit to Barnes and Noble where we all purchased too many books, the purchases at Office Max...

Oh well. Better safe than sorry. I just had a gut feeling it was a waste of time, though.

Whew. One less thing.

Seeing Eye to Eye

Bob and I don't see eye to eye on some things concerning our homeschool. Even though he's a visual spatial thinker, he wants Thomas's education to be very structured and sequential. He wants tests and proof that he's learning.

I agree with him on that in many subjects, but not science.

We have always done science in an unschooling-sort-of way. Thomas either picks up a science book and starts reading, or I suggest some topics, he chooses and he reads. We discuss. Or not. Usually, he discusses with Bob. Last year I bought him two science text books which he loved. He devoured them, reading on his own accord, something that he typically doesn't want to do.

Thomas has a good grasp of science. Every year he scores post high school in his standardized tests in science. I've never worried about science, because he just gets it.

So what to do this year. We really need to focus on the Language Arts. Really, I know that. But I think I'll meet Bob half way and be a little more involved, probably throw in a test or two, more labs -- at least planned labs, not spur-of-the minute stuff that we typically do.

I don't think Bob and I will see eye to eye completely, but we can meet in the middle. I trust my instincts, though. I know how he learns best. And he is learning -- he's soaking science up like a sponge.

I'm a Dork

To everyone who asked for my planner, I will send it tomorrow.

I apologize for being such a dork. See, I bought myself a new laptop. It came with Vista, and so I had to order the new Office. I got the student version. I emailed my planners and homeschool stuff to myself, opened up my planer, tweaked it, made a jpeg of it to load to the blog, blogged, and then saved the planner. Big mistake. It wouldn't save because it was incompatible with the new excel. So I made another one. I sent that out to the people who requested it. Only thing was, I seem to be the only one on the new version of Office.

So I need to go downstairs to the old computer, sit down, tweak the original version and email it. Only I haven't done that. I got busy with other stuff. And I feel guilty because I said I'd send it last night. And then I didn't do it today because today was a couch day because I didn't feel well (when will menopause hit? I'm so ready for it now.) This afternoon, we got hit with five packages from Amazon, Rainbow, Rod and Staff, and a couple other stores, so I simply had to look at the school stuff.

Then we went to the county fair. And got home at 10. Then I had to call my sister. Then I had to take a shower. Then I had to check email. Now I'm too tired to climb the stairs and go tweak. (Yet I'm not too tired to blog. Go figure.)

I meant well. I promise to get it in the email tomorrow.

I'm just such a dork.

My Favorite Yearly Planner that I made

If by any small chance someone would like a copy of this yearly planner, feel free to email me. whisperingwillow @ charter . net

I use one of these planners for each subject. I like to plan that way rather than on one typical planner sheet. Sometimes I merge all the info, sometimes not.

He's Baaaack

I drove three and a half hours yesterday to pick Thomas up. After an hour-long ceremony, which I'll definitely skip next year, (see that, NEXT YEAR?) we gathered stuff and left.

Thomas talked nonstop for the three-and-a-half-hour ride home.

He had a BLAST. He LOVED it. He was WIRED.

He asked if he can go next year. Of course!

He's very happy. That's just what he needed.

So we'll put money aside for camp next year. I also found that there are camps for kids with epilepsy out there. I think that would be wonderful for him, so he'll probably do two camps next year.

And now back to reality. This week is the county fair. We'll be entering his turkey. Usually we enter more stuff, but that's his best work and all he wants to enter. He also has his ENT appointment this week. He does not want his tonsils removed. He wasn't happy when he noticed that appointment on the calendar.

I worked very hard on getting his room in order while he was gone. I boxed up a bunch of stuff he no longer plays with. He's attached to his stuff, so I couldn't donate or toss, will just store the box and wait for time to pass. I didn't get the room finished, so he can do that this weekend.

We have the school room to finish as well. The floor is covered in wall-to-wall books. Last year we schooled at the kitchen table again. This year I'd like to do more in the school room again, just because it keeps my small kitchen less cluttered. In order to do that, I have to get my mess cleaned up. I'm the one that put the books on the floor.

Thomas's grandma took a spill and broke her wrist and a rib this week. We need to get out to see her, because we haven't gone since the Cowboy died. I'm so tired of traveling, but I think that's necessary. I don't know when we'll squeeze that in, but we must.

I'm loving this Saturday morning. My son is happy, confident and on top of the world. He needed that. As his momma, I needed it, too.

Yeah, It's Wednesday

And as soon as I posted my last post, I hit the camp website yet again. They must have heard me, because there were the photos.

This is what I know:

Thomas has changed clothes while he was there. lol

We spotted him in three pictures, and he didn't look unhappy at all. Whew.

That's all I know.

What I hope: That he's having a blast.

For Pete's Sake

What stupid idiot -- er, forgetful and preoccupied mother forgot to cancel her Audible.com subscription?

I did.

I just got automatically renewed. We have 18 credits at Audible.com.

What to do?

I'm tired of planning school. I've cleaning to finish! What am I going to do with 18 credits?

Ideas? Anyone? Help. My brain just isn't thinking.

~~~

And just a rant, because I always rant. Dear YMCA camp, you know on your webpage it states that you will put camp pictures up on Wednesdays? Well, it's Wednesday. The pictures are not there. I have refreshed a gazillion times. Okay, there is one group picture, which I loved and spotted my Thomas in immediately, but...it's Wednesday, where are the pictures?

I've held my composure all week, I've dealt well. I've actually enjoyed my alone time. But -- but -- but I've never gone this long without talking to my son. Or seeing him. All I want are the pictures. Do you hear me?? IT'S WEDNESDAY!!! Where are the $#(*&^ pictures?

I jest. Kinda. I have hit that website probably 100 times today. I'll go do something, then think of the pictures and run to the computer.

Monday Morning

I'm not worried about Thomas. Honest. Really, I haven't even given him a second thought. ahem

When we were at the camp yesterday, I was checking out his cabinmates. It was a bunch of boys who looked very nice, but one thing was brutally honest: They were all jocks. You know, you can spot a jock a mile away. And there's nothing wrong with jocks. The only reason I mention it is because Thomas is so not a jock. He hates team sports. He cannot throw a ball to save his life. He doesn't want to. We discussed this team-sport thing at length, because he'll have to participate in some of that kind of thing. Hopefully, they'll be kind and help him through that part. Whenever we did sports stuff with Cub Scouts, I have to say the jocks were always good to Thomas and guided him. I think they got a little frustrated because they were so competitive, and he really slowed them down, but they were kind.

You can't force a child to do something he has no interest in, though. Now individual sports? Yeah, he goes for that. He's yearning to hit that rock wall. He's excited about the swimming.

Thomas is a fringe boy. He's always on the fringe of a group, not really in it. He's happy that way. Bob and I are kind of that way ourselves. I think we all three prefer one-on-one social contact as opposed to the group thing. We're all introverts.

So driving home yesterday, I admit I was worried. Will he get picked on, will he make a friend or two, will he have fun. BUT, when I uploaded the two pictures I took and shared here, my worries melted. He was so happy. It did my heart so much good to see that big grin on his face.

He'll be fine. And while I have thought about him, I've decided to quit worrying. Just like the momma bird who pushes the baby bird out of the nest--this is a little out of his comfort zone, but that rock wall just called out to him, and I had to push.

This morning I got busy. I have finally unloaded the suitcase that has been gracing my bedroom floor since my return from Denver. Good grief, I've never let something slide that long. I've sorted too many loads of laundry to admit and have got them going. I'm about to go dig out my kitchen.

I have plans on cleaning the whole house from top to bottom. That's a lot of work, because when we got home, I was tired, frustrated, hurting really bad and still sick. I didn't have the energy. Only the absolute necessities got done. Plus, since March I've been gone for almost 10 weeks, and let's face it, I love Bob to pieces, but he doesn't know what a vacuum cleaner is. So the house really got run down.

I bought myself some new bedding. Got a lovely bed-in-a-bag set from JCPenney's for $100. It was normally $300. It's 250 thread-count, which is more than this tightwad has ever had. I am going to hit my bedroom hard this morning and hopefully make it pretty.

I've also been looking for pretties. I really have a desire for a retro kitchen. Not too cluttered, but lots of 40s and 50s touches. I bought myself two salt and pepper sets that are Lustro-Ware, one in pink and the other yellow. One is for the table, the other for the stove. I'm on the lookout for more practical goodies. Not too much, but enough to get that theme established.

And speaking of that retro look, I've found a few vintage blogs that I have really enjoyed. I usually only read homeschool blogs. Okay, and Perez -- dare I admit that? The vintage or cottage/romantic/shabby chic blogs really make me smile, because they have great pictures. And that brings me joy, which makes me feel better.

And speaking of feeling better, I am. I finish my antibiotics today. I am not cured, I still have sinus issues and my ears are popping a lot. So I am going to get my second antibiotic prescription filled and do another round. But I am feeling so much better and have so much more energy, that I feel human again. So I'm close to being back to normal.

I have ordered my first-ever side of beef. We should get it the last week in August. I'm very excited about that--to have a freezer full of good quality beef. We'll get lots of goodies I typically don't buy, such as steaks.

Life is finally getting better again. I'm feeling better. Thomas was so happy yesterday that my heart soared with joy. I hope he has so much fun and forgets all his troubles. I've never been away from him for this long, but I do this: I kind of needed it. I just needed a break from everything. (I wish Bob were out of town this week! lol) I feel free to putz, to do what I want, when I want, in peace and quiet. I am thrilled with the prospect that when I clean, it will actually stay clean. Until we go and get him, that is. What a treat that is, though. I envision my refrigerator handle being clean all week--a glorious gift to me!

And now, off to swap loads and get to cracking.

I Didn't Cry

Thomas is at camp. We left, and I didn't cry.

It sure is quiet around here.

He started out very happy, I hope he returns happy as well!

A Very Good Cause

A very good friend of mine sent me an email today. She has a friend, a very cute young boy, who has Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA). She is asking her friends to sign a petition to help get funding for treatment and a cure for SMA. I have signed the petition.

Here is some information about SMA from the petition website:

We need your help to move landmark legislation through Congress that will allocate federal resources to non-profit and research organizations focused on finding a treatment and/or cure for SMA.

SMA is an inherited genetic disease that results in loss of nerves in the spinal cord and weakness of the muscles connected with those nerves.
SMA is the #1 genetic killer of children under the age of 2.
SMA is estimated to occur in nearly 1 out of every 6,000 births.
The gene mutation that causes SMA is carried by 1 in every 40 people or nearly 7.5 million Americans.
There is currently no cure, but the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS) have selected SMA as the disease closest to treatment of more than 600 neurological disorders.
Researchers estimate that we are as close as only a few years away from finding a treatment and/or cure.

Please, take a moment to sign the petition. Petition Link

wow -- to barlowlf

To Barlowlf,

Thank you so much for leaving the comment on my blog. Your comment brought me to tears--in a good way. I emailed it to my husband at work. I never bother him at work unless it is something important. He had the same reaction.

It was a big deal for me to share the diagnosis here. I felt it was so personal, and since it wasn't my diagnosis, I refrained talking about it while we were in limbo.

Thomas was absolutely insistent that I share the story. It's funny because there are things he doesn't want me to share on the blog. This, he did. He wanted to reach out.

Little did any of us know, someone would be touched so quickly -- or even find our post.

If you continue to read my blog, could you please let us know how your son is doing. Who knows if your son has this, but I'm thankful that you have something to go on. I'm glad that Thomas's story gave you some direction. He will be pleased. This is exactly why he wanted to share.

Best wishes, and you'll be in our thoughts and prayers as well.

Frankie
whisperingwillow @ charter . net
feel free to email me

Even More Bad News

Thomas was diagnosed yesterday with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy.

I have not blogged about this--the events leading up to this, because I assumed Thomas would feel it too personal. I was wrong.

Sometime around March, after my dad had his heart attack, Thomas asked me if my body ever jerked. I told him sure, as I'm falling asleep. He asked if it ever jerked or jolted any other time. No. He expressed to me that sometimes his body did that.

I took it as a red flag, but we did not have time to do anything about it.

Fast forward to the beginning of June, when I happened to be in conversation with a neurologist. The doctor was describing the onset of Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. He said it starts out with "jerks" of the body at puberty. They typically happen in the morning, and it is typically the upper body, specifically the arms and head. The minute the doctor said this, the tears poured down my face. I knew. I told him that my 12-year-old had been complaining of the jolts or jerks. He said get him in for an EEG.

I scheduled and EEG immediately, but we were unable to get in until yesterday.

So all this while, during the sadness of dad's death, our own medical emergencies, in the back of my head I was worried sick that my baby had epilepsy. I did not struggle with this alone, I shared it with my best friend, but it has been very difficult.

Yesterday was the big day. Bob, Thomas and I were all three very cranky. We drove to a town an hour away (because we don't live in civilization, and there is no neurologist here) for his EEG. The process took about an hour and a half. The tech took a red grease pencil and tape measure and measured Thomas' head, placing red marks. She then attached the electrodes, 23 of them, to his head. That took awhile. Then the test started.

She said it would be a good thing for Thomas to go to sleep. He did. We sat and watched, and could see the EEG on the computer screen. I had no idea what I was looking at, but I did realize there was an awful lot of activity for a child who was asleep.

At one point in the test, I felt a coughing spree coming on. We were not supposed to talk, and I because I also was having difficulty breathing and I felt like the walls were closing in, I stepped out. Thomas was in safe hands, with his dad and the tech. I went outside for some fresh air, got myself a bottle of water, shed a few tears, composed myself and went back in. Oh yeah, I took a Xanax, too.

When I got back in, Thomas was awake and the tech started the strobe light portion of the test. Apparently, some people with epilepsy are photo-sensitive. Pretty soon the test was over and we escaped for lunch.

While at lunch, I broke my tooth. The top third of the back half of one of my bottom teeth just crumbled. Never a dull moment. Will see my dentist today. That was my root canal tooth -- so it was dead anyway.

We drove back to the clinic for the appointment with the doctor. All three of us were scrunched on a bench waiting for the doctor. I personally had a difficult time breathing due to stress. Thomas was tense and tight as a board. Finally the doctor came in.

My heart sunk when he started talking. He was asking all kinds of questions and not getting to the point. I knew it would be a diagnosis we did not want. Bob and I exchanged a look, because he knew, too.

He asked about learning disabilities and ADD. I don't know about ADD, we've never felt the need to get a diagnosis. I do know Thomas has issues with focus. As for learning disabilities, he was diagnosed as twice exceptional: gifted with learning disabilities. I have never shared that diagnosis with Thomas because I knew the learning disability part would crush him. His disability is processing speed. He does have central auditory processing disorder, which he knows about. So I um'ed, er'ed my way through that conversation, because I wasn't going to blurt out LDs right then. It didn't really matter anyway.

The doctor then said that Thomas had a very small airway. He asked us if Thomas snores, which we said yes. He was going to make a referral to the ENT doctor. He explained he wasn't an ENT, but that he would probably have to have his tonsils out to open up his airway. He suspects sleep apnea with Thomas. He thinks the ENT will want a sleep study.

So then he got to the heart of the matter. In a round about way, he gave us the diagnosis of Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy, JME. He started rattling on about medications when Thomas interrupted him. Thomas innocently asked him, "So are you saying I have epilepsy?" The doctor said yes. Thomas's body just went limp. I don't think he heard a lot after that.

At this point it seemed the whole conversation was rushed. I was feeling confused and also I was not thinking clearly enough to ask questions. Bob took over, thankfully, because my brain was shut down. The doctor prescribed a medication.

I was able to get in that Thomas goes to summer camp on Sunday, and should he start the med now or wait. Now. And there are no restrictions on what Thomas can do at camp either, as long as there are lifeguards during swimming and safety equipment on the rock climbing walls and high stuff. There is.

The doctor dropped the ball on explaining epilepsy and what exactly this diagnosis means to Thomas. The only thing he really said to him was that there are far worse things he could have. And there are. But to a 12-year-old, and his parents, this isn't so great. This has life-long consequences. What has started out as jerks has an 80-percent chance of developing into grand mal seizures. However, this is the most controllable form of epilepsy. The chances of a normal life are great.

Normal--define normal. Thomas will not be able to fly an airplane. Thomas will not be able to join the military. The chances are good that his college education will be paid for due to his disability. Many family members have received that benefit. And yes, he is officially disabled.

Epilepsy is no stranger to us. It runs in Bob's family. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Society has long put attached a stigma to it. "Have a fit" is a common expression that stems from epileptic seizures. I thought Thomas would want this kept private. He doesn't, because he wants the world to know that it's just misfiring of the electricity in a brain. That's all. It's a short circuit, if you will.

When we got home yesterday, we talked about what would be likely: the development of grand mal seizures. We talked about the few limitations he would have in life. We talked about the need for quality sleep on a nightly basis--no more staying up late. It was all very overwhelming to Thomas, and he ended up crying--a lot. We all three snuggled in mom and dad's bed, and our puppies joined us. In between tears, we had comic relief from our puppies.

We are on our way to finding our new normal.

This year has just sucked. I don't know how scared I should be with that ENT referral. Thomas isn't looking forward to a possible surgery. Neither am I. We're still mourning the loss of my dad, Thomas's Grandpa Charlie. We still miss our Jerry Lee. We still seem to have this black cloud hanging over our heads.

But we are all thankful that we have good health care, that time will heal all wounds, and life will go on. I worry about Thomas, my 12-year-old boy, and the amount of trauma he has been through this year. It's so much. I'm learning, though, that the has good character, he's remaining positive and accepting things. He's stronger than I could have imagined. He cries when he needs to. He lives in the moment, enjoying time with his friends. He's typical 12, moody and establishing his independence. I am very proud of him.

As he told me last night: I have epilepsy, mom, but it doesn't have to have me.

I think we'll survive.