The Hardest Thing...

The hardest thing I ever did in my life was have a child and return to work. I had no choice, as Bob was finishing up his degree and I was the bread winner. I worked until Thomas was 22 months old. I hated every single minute I was away from my baby.

So I was quite shocked when I was reading about Governor Palin just now at Wikipedia. She had her youngest child on April 18, 2008. This baby boy has Down Syndrome. This baby is four months old. Four months old.

Personally, I could never spend that much time away from my baby, especially a special needs baby, especially when I knew how much time is going to be spent campaigning.

I will not judge. I will not judge. I will not judge.

I know some women are better mothers when they work. I worked with them. I know no one thinks twice about a man spending that much time away from his baby.

I'm old fashioned and sexist, I guess.

I just find it -- looking for a word here -- strange.

I am sitting here very torn, because I'm all for Women's Lib. I believe wholeheartedly in a woman's right to choose, equal pay for equal work, etc. I really do. And I believe a woman has a right to choose to work or stay home with her child(ren). And I support that choice. But do I in all cases?

I just could never leave my baby, my four-month-old Down Syndrome baby, like that. I just couldn't do it. And sadly, I have the need to force myself to work on being open minded about it.

I had already made my decision to vote for Obama, so this isn't a political thing. It's a mother thing.

Frankie, who has some work to do and fully expects lots of negative comments on this one!

A Lovely Day

Thomas and I had a lovely day today. Instead of working on school plans, cleaning the school room, paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning house, etc., we hopped in the car and headed toward civilization.

Mankato, Minnesota was our destination. It's over an hour from where we live, but it's the closest town that has any big chain stores. Well, we have Walmart and Kmart and a few fast food chains, but it has a mall, a BOOKSTORE, an Office Max, Sam's Club...cool stores.

Today's mission was to find The Sims2 Apartment Life for Thomas. We could have got it here, but it was much more fun to go there. We left this morning. We went to the mall and walked it a few times. Ahhh, Frankie needed to get off her lazy you-know-what and exercise a little. Then we hit all the fun stores: Yankee Candles, where I made a small purchase, the Game Stop where Thomas was sorely disappointed that what he was seeking didn't come out until tomorrow. And of course we hit the bookstore.

We went to the great pet store and bought our good dog food and two containers to store the food in. Pesky little border collies are too smart for Rubbermaid containers. We bought two containers that latch and they won't be able to open. Ahem, hopefully. The dogs like to snack on the cat food, so hopefully we'll alleviate that!

We went to Sally Beauty Supply just because Bob wasn't with us and I could. lol Bob will buy monthly female products at the grocery store without batting an eye, but he won't go to Sally Beauty Supply. Go figure.

We stopped off at a Baker's Square for a mid-afternoon snack. We had never gone there before, and we indulged in cheesecake and a cinnamon roll. Mmmmm.

All the while, we talked and talked like we hadn't seen each other in a long time. We laughed, we joked, and we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.

It was a special day. We left the sadness and grieving behind. We lived in the moment and loved each other's company.

I was only slightly annoyed at our final stop on the way out of town: Best Buy. The greeter at the door was a retired gentleman. He touched my arm and asked, "When does school start?" I smiled and said Tuesday. He said, "Oh, Mom, I bet you're glad!" This is where Frankie got a little ornery. I smiled and said, "Oh, yes, we're very excited to start school again. We homeschool. My son is a very good kid and I really enjoy being in his company."

The man literally took a step back. He smiled, said that was great, and then turned and walked away.

Why do people assume that moms are tired of being with their kids at the end of summer? Even when Thomas WAS in public school, I hated the start of school. I hated it! I will never get that.

Mom 101: Love your child each and every moment, because they grow too damned fast. They'll be on their own in the blink of an eye. So don't get annoyed by them being with you, embrace it. If they're climbing the walls, be a parent and do something with them, guide them, love them.

There, off my soap box.

So yes, we are excited for school to start this year. Even Thomas confessed today he's ready to go, albeit a little nervous. He knows the work will be more difficult this year. But we're excited because we homeschool.

Friendships

The way we form friendships is changing. No longer are they formed only face to face, some chance meeting, but now they are formed in cyber world.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all my cyber friends for the support I've been receiving here on the blog. It really means a lot getting an encouraging word when one is sorely needed.

Tonight I talked with one of my e-friends on the phone for close to two hours. She did more to pick up my spirits and encourage me. She's even pumped me up enough to clean out the school room tomorrow! I enjoy listening to all she's going through in life at the moment and her homeschooling journey. Thank you, Blue Hen.

Thank you to my Georgia Peach and Becky, who have also stuck by me in all my craziness. It means a lot.

And thanks to everyone for reading my blog when I have clearly gone way off topic for so long. Your comments mean a lot. And even if people read and don't comment, thanks for sticking with me.

I have a few friends here in my small town, but they're the kind I have to watch what I say. I feel so liberated here at the blog to be myself. (Okay, I don't swear on the blog and I do say an occasional naughty word in real life, but I try to have a little class here.)

So thank you, to all my friends.

I hope to stick more to homeschooling and less on my woes in the future. I won't quit whining, but I'll try to curb it.

I leave you with a poem:

Internet Friends
by Ann Stareyes

My Internet Friends
You're so dear to my heart.

Family I've found
Real friendship I've received
I love you all so
Every moment shared
Never will be forgot
Deep within my heart
Special friends I cherish.

Sleep, Or Lack Thereof

It is 7:10 am. I have been up all night. Not by choice.

In the last week, I have had three sleepless nights. Normally I can drift off when Bob gets up and starts getting ready for work. Today I didn't because his jeans were in the washer and I got up and threw them in the dryer so he'd have something to wear to work. Nice of me, eh?

I think I'm going to try to stay up.

I think this lack of sleep is due to the grieving process. I constantly think of my Dad, I worry about his house selling, I re-live the past five months over and over and over. I worry about Thomas. I worry about school, and my inability to finish getting it all planned out. We're good to go, really, but I'm a planner and I haven't done that anal planning that I like to do with pretty planner pages. I'm just weird that way.

Okay, so to add to the grieving, I have anxiety issues. Obviously. This is just stupid, because lack of sleep -- or lack of eight hours -- is really bad for my health. I'm the type that needs eight hours, nine is ideal. It's like a vicious cycle: lack of sleep produces anxiety, anxiety produces lack of sleep.

I've stated before, I am ready to start school so we'll get that routine going. That will help.

On the other hand, all these sleepless hours were spent researching commonly misspelled words. I'm making up my own list, then I'll make some very basic worksheets. Thomas, in addition to his spelling program that I bought, is going to have to tough it out with a list of 20 spelling words a week. Whether he likes it or not.

I wonder how long I'll last today. I'll probably end up taking a nap. And then I won't be able to sleep tonight. Nah, I'll go to Walgreen's and re-fill my Ambien prescription. It's been a few weeks since I've been out, so even though I was trying to get by not using it, I think I need it.

At least it's a beautiful morning.

School Supplies

I usually go all out for school supplies. I love school supplies. Fresh pencils with clean, unused erasers, new pens with perfect tips, crisp, fresh paper...ahhh.

So this year I went all out. I got:

1 24-pack of Bic Mark It pens. I did not need these. I have a thousand Sharpies. I just had to try them out. (And yes, I like them -- but I still like Sharpies.) They were on sale for $6.99 at Walgreen's.

4 packs of Black Warrior Pencils .39 a box at Walgreen's.

10 folders at Office Max for a penny apiece.

1 12-pack of Flair markers. For me, not Thomas. I love Flairs.

Two reams of white paper.

And that's it.

I about broke the bank with this year's shopping haul. I think I spent $15 tops.

Normally I spend *a lot* but I just couldn't justify spending money on fun stuff when I have a school room full of it.

This is so out of character for me! When we were at Office Max, I begged Thomas to pick out his two favorite colors of printer paper. I was thinking nice pastel greens or blues or yellows. Imagine my shock when he told me he actually prefers white. AAAACCCK. It's all about color, baby! The horror of it all!

Less is more this year.

Monday

Is it Monday already? My days are blurred.

I don't mind admitting here that I have been in a terrible funk for quite a few days now. I try so hard to stay positive, but my body and soul just ache from fatigue.

School starts two weeks from tomorrow. I follow our local public school schedule, and I'm very thankful they don't start until September.

I have two weeks to get my house in order, school planning completed, laundry caught up, bills paid, estate inventory done -- well, that needs to be done asap, and throw in some final summer fun. It all seems so overwhelming at the moment.

So today I took baby steps. That's the only thing I know to do when I get in a funk. I dug in and built a little momentum and got a little done. Physically, I am still not normal. I'm still on antibiotics, my ears are still popping, and I'm still easily exhausted. The good news is that I'm feeling so, so much better.

I'm wanting to follow my good friend Becky's advice by having a happy new year party. I usually think in terms of school year anyway. It's a little difficult, though, because memories of Dad pop into my head all the time. They make me stop what I'm doing and think and sometimes cry, sometimes smile. I suppose that will go on for awhile. It just makes me very sad that Dad won't be part of new year.

With the new year brings fear of what may or may not happen as well. It will be full of doctor appointments, adjusting to medications, getting the level just right, and my person fear of seizures. I can't get wrapped up in that, though. That fear is what is doing me in.

Breathe. One moment at a time.

Fear aside, I'm very anxious to start school again. I'm anxious and happily anticipating a normal routine. I'm excited to start learning again. I think that will do me more good, help me get back to a better place in my mind. I need that.

Thomas is doing very well. He still has bursts of frustration about his diagnosis and asks questions out of the blue. I think it's on his mind a lot. He's happy, though. Going to summer camp did more good for him, it renewed him. He's cheerful and optimistic.

Onward...more baby steps to take to get everything accomplished.

Puppy Love

My precious puppies this morning.

expensive day

Thomas had his appointment with the ENT today. I told Bob before we left the house that I really had an attitude about this appointment, because even though he snores on occasion--it's a light snore not like my window-rattling snores--I didn't think he had sleep apnea issues. I told him that doctor would have convince me of the necessity of having the tonsils removed.

His neurologist said he had a small airway and should probably have his tonsils removed. We got there, she asked us about snoring and if his breathing stopped in his sleep, which it doesn't. She looked at his throat quickly. She turned to us and said his tonsils are small, he has a good airway, and not to bother coming back unless we hear him stop breathing in the night -- or gasping, which she demonstrated.

I hate to imagine how much money this visit is going to cost when I add it all up. Let's see, Bob took a half day off work, we ate an early dinner at the Olive Garden, the gas to the big city and back, the visit to Barnes and Noble where we all purchased too many books, the purchases at Office Max...

Oh well. Better safe than sorry. I just had a gut feeling it was a waste of time, though.

Whew. One less thing.

Seeing Eye to Eye

Bob and I don't see eye to eye on some things concerning our homeschool. Even though he's a visual spatial thinker, he wants Thomas's education to be very structured and sequential. He wants tests and proof that he's learning.

I agree with him on that in many subjects, but not science.

We have always done science in an unschooling-sort-of way. Thomas either picks up a science book and starts reading, or I suggest some topics, he chooses and he reads. We discuss. Or not. Usually, he discusses with Bob. Last year I bought him two science text books which he loved. He devoured them, reading on his own accord, something that he typically doesn't want to do.

Thomas has a good grasp of science. Every year he scores post high school in his standardized tests in science. I've never worried about science, because he just gets it.

So what to do this year. We really need to focus on the Language Arts. Really, I know that. But I think I'll meet Bob half way and be a little more involved, probably throw in a test or two, more labs -- at least planned labs, not spur-of-the minute stuff that we typically do.

I don't think Bob and I will see eye to eye completely, but we can meet in the middle. I trust my instincts, though. I know how he learns best. And he is learning -- he's soaking science up like a sponge.

I'm a Dork

To everyone who asked for my planner, I will send it tomorrow.

I apologize for being such a dork. See, I bought myself a new laptop. It came with Vista, and so I had to order the new Office. I got the student version. I emailed my planners and homeschool stuff to myself, opened up my planer, tweaked it, made a jpeg of it to load to the blog, blogged, and then saved the planner. Big mistake. It wouldn't save because it was incompatible with the new excel. So I made another one. I sent that out to the people who requested it. Only thing was, I seem to be the only one on the new version of Office.

So I need to go downstairs to the old computer, sit down, tweak the original version and email it. Only I haven't done that. I got busy with other stuff. And I feel guilty because I said I'd send it last night. And then I didn't do it today because today was a couch day because I didn't feel well (when will menopause hit? I'm so ready for it now.) This afternoon, we got hit with five packages from Amazon, Rainbow, Rod and Staff, and a couple other stores, so I simply had to look at the school stuff.

Then we went to the county fair. And got home at 10. Then I had to call my sister. Then I had to take a shower. Then I had to check email. Now I'm too tired to climb the stairs and go tweak. (Yet I'm not too tired to blog. Go figure.)

I meant well. I promise to get it in the email tomorrow.

I'm just such a dork.

My Favorite Yearly Planner that I made

If by any small chance someone would like a copy of this yearly planner, feel free to email me. whisperingwillow @ charter . net

I use one of these planners for each subject. I like to plan that way rather than on one typical planner sheet. Sometimes I merge all the info, sometimes not.

He's Baaaack

I drove three and a half hours yesterday to pick Thomas up. After an hour-long ceremony, which I'll definitely skip next year, (see that, NEXT YEAR?) we gathered stuff and left.

Thomas talked nonstop for the three-and-a-half-hour ride home.

He had a BLAST. He LOVED it. He was WIRED.

He asked if he can go next year. Of course!

He's very happy. That's just what he needed.

So we'll put money aside for camp next year. I also found that there are camps for kids with epilepsy out there. I think that would be wonderful for him, so he'll probably do two camps next year.

And now back to reality. This week is the county fair. We'll be entering his turkey. Usually we enter more stuff, but that's his best work and all he wants to enter. He also has his ENT appointment this week. He does not want his tonsils removed. He wasn't happy when he noticed that appointment on the calendar.

I worked very hard on getting his room in order while he was gone. I boxed up a bunch of stuff he no longer plays with. He's attached to his stuff, so I couldn't donate or toss, will just store the box and wait for time to pass. I didn't get the room finished, so he can do that this weekend.

We have the school room to finish as well. The floor is covered in wall-to-wall books. Last year we schooled at the kitchen table again. This year I'd like to do more in the school room again, just because it keeps my small kitchen less cluttered. In order to do that, I have to get my mess cleaned up. I'm the one that put the books on the floor.

Thomas's grandma took a spill and broke her wrist and a rib this week. We need to get out to see her, because we haven't gone since the Cowboy died. I'm so tired of traveling, but I think that's necessary. I don't know when we'll squeeze that in, but we must.

I'm loving this Saturday morning. My son is happy, confident and on top of the world. He needed that. As his momma, I needed it, too.

Yeah, It's Wednesday

And as soon as I posted my last post, I hit the camp website yet again. They must have heard me, because there were the photos.

This is what I know:

Thomas has changed clothes while he was there. lol

We spotted him in three pictures, and he didn't look unhappy at all. Whew.

That's all I know.

What I hope: That he's having a blast.

For Pete's Sake

What stupid idiot -- er, forgetful and preoccupied mother forgot to cancel her Audible.com subscription?

I did.

I just got automatically renewed. We have 18 credits at Audible.com.

What to do?

I'm tired of planning school. I've cleaning to finish! What am I going to do with 18 credits?

Ideas? Anyone? Help. My brain just isn't thinking.

~~~

And just a rant, because I always rant. Dear YMCA camp, you know on your webpage it states that you will put camp pictures up on Wednesdays? Well, it's Wednesday. The pictures are not there. I have refreshed a gazillion times. Okay, there is one group picture, which I loved and spotted my Thomas in immediately, but...it's Wednesday, where are the pictures?

I've held my composure all week, I've dealt well. I've actually enjoyed my alone time. But -- but -- but I've never gone this long without talking to my son. Or seeing him. All I want are the pictures. Do you hear me?? IT'S WEDNESDAY!!! Where are the $#(*&^ pictures?

I jest. Kinda. I have hit that website probably 100 times today. I'll go do something, then think of the pictures and run to the computer.

Monday Morning

I'm not worried about Thomas. Honest. Really, I haven't even given him a second thought. ahem

When we were at the camp yesterday, I was checking out his cabinmates. It was a bunch of boys who looked very nice, but one thing was brutally honest: They were all jocks. You know, you can spot a jock a mile away. And there's nothing wrong with jocks. The only reason I mention it is because Thomas is so not a jock. He hates team sports. He cannot throw a ball to save his life. He doesn't want to. We discussed this team-sport thing at length, because he'll have to participate in some of that kind of thing. Hopefully, they'll be kind and help him through that part. Whenever we did sports stuff with Cub Scouts, I have to say the jocks were always good to Thomas and guided him. I think they got a little frustrated because they were so competitive, and he really slowed them down, but they were kind.

You can't force a child to do something he has no interest in, though. Now individual sports? Yeah, he goes for that. He's yearning to hit that rock wall. He's excited about the swimming.

Thomas is a fringe boy. He's always on the fringe of a group, not really in it. He's happy that way. Bob and I are kind of that way ourselves. I think we all three prefer one-on-one social contact as opposed to the group thing. We're all introverts.

So driving home yesterday, I admit I was worried. Will he get picked on, will he make a friend or two, will he have fun. BUT, when I uploaded the two pictures I took and shared here, my worries melted. He was so happy. It did my heart so much good to see that big grin on his face.

He'll be fine. And while I have thought about him, I've decided to quit worrying. Just like the momma bird who pushes the baby bird out of the nest--this is a little out of his comfort zone, but that rock wall just called out to him, and I had to push.

This morning I got busy. I have finally unloaded the suitcase that has been gracing my bedroom floor since my return from Denver. Good grief, I've never let something slide that long. I've sorted too many loads of laundry to admit and have got them going. I'm about to go dig out my kitchen.

I have plans on cleaning the whole house from top to bottom. That's a lot of work, because when we got home, I was tired, frustrated, hurting really bad and still sick. I didn't have the energy. Only the absolute necessities got done. Plus, since March I've been gone for almost 10 weeks, and let's face it, I love Bob to pieces, but he doesn't know what a vacuum cleaner is. So the house really got run down.

I bought myself some new bedding. Got a lovely bed-in-a-bag set from JCPenney's for $100. It was normally $300. It's 250 thread-count, which is more than this tightwad has ever had. I am going to hit my bedroom hard this morning and hopefully make it pretty.

I've also been looking for pretties. I really have a desire for a retro kitchen. Not too cluttered, but lots of 40s and 50s touches. I bought myself two salt and pepper sets that are Lustro-Ware, one in pink and the other yellow. One is for the table, the other for the stove. I'm on the lookout for more practical goodies. Not too much, but enough to get that theme established.

And speaking of that retro look, I've found a few vintage blogs that I have really enjoyed. I usually only read homeschool blogs. Okay, and Perez -- dare I admit that? The vintage or cottage/romantic/shabby chic blogs really make me smile, because they have great pictures. And that brings me joy, which makes me feel better.

And speaking of feeling better, I am. I finish my antibiotics today. I am not cured, I still have sinus issues and my ears are popping a lot. So I am going to get my second antibiotic prescription filled and do another round. But I am feeling so much better and have so much more energy, that I feel human again. So I'm close to being back to normal.

I have ordered my first-ever side of beef. We should get it the last week in August. I'm very excited about that--to have a freezer full of good quality beef. We'll get lots of goodies I typically don't buy, such as steaks.

Life is finally getting better again. I'm feeling better. Thomas was so happy yesterday that my heart soared with joy. I hope he has so much fun and forgets all his troubles. I've never been away from him for this long, but I do this: I kind of needed it. I just needed a break from everything. (I wish Bob were out of town this week! lol) I feel free to putz, to do what I want, when I want, in peace and quiet. I am thrilled with the prospect that when I clean, it will actually stay clean. Until we go and get him, that is. What a treat that is, though. I envision my refrigerator handle being clean all week--a glorious gift to me!

And now, off to swap loads and get to cracking.

I Didn't Cry

Thomas is at camp. We left, and I didn't cry.

It sure is quiet around here.

He started out very happy, I hope he returns happy as well!

A Very Good Cause

A very good friend of mine sent me an email today. She has a friend, a very cute young boy, who has Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA). She is asking her friends to sign a petition to help get funding for treatment and a cure for SMA. I have signed the petition.

Here is some information about SMA from the petition website:

We need your help to move landmark legislation through Congress that will allocate federal resources to non-profit and research organizations focused on finding a treatment and/or cure for SMA.

SMA is an inherited genetic disease that results in loss of nerves in the spinal cord and weakness of the muscles connected with those nerves.
SMA is the #1 genetic killer of children under the age of 2.
SMA is estimated to occur in nearly 1 out of every 6,000 births.
The gene mutation that causes SMA is carried by 1 in every 40 people or nearly 7.5 million Americans.
There is currently no cure, but the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS) have selected SMA as the disease closest to treatment of more than 600 neurological disorders.
Researchers estimate that we are as close as only a few years away from finding a treatment and/or cure.

Please, take a moment to sign the petition. Petition Link

wow -- to barlowlf

To Barlowlf,

Thank you so much for leaving the comment on my blog. Your comment brought me to tears--in a good way. I emailed it to my husband at work. I never bother him at work unless it is something important. He had the same reaction.

It was a big deal for me to share the diagnosis here. I felt it was so personal, and since it wasn't my diagnosis, I refrained talking about it while we were in limbo.

Thomas was absolutely insistent that I share the story. It's funny because there are things he doesn't want me to share on the blog. This, he did. He wanted to reach out.

Little did any of us know, someone would be touched so quickly -- or even find our post.

If you continue to read my blog, could you please let us know how your son is doing. Who knows if your son has this, but I'm thankful that you have something to go on. I'm glad that Thomas's story gave you some direction. He will be pleased. This is exactly why he wanted to share.

Best wishes, and you'll be in our thoughts and prayers as well.

Frankie
whisperingwillow @ charter . net
feel free to email me

Even More Bad News

Thomas was diagnosed yesterday with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy.

I have not blogged about this--the events leading up to this, because I assumed Thomas would feel it too personal. I was wrong.

Sometime around March, after my dad had his heart attack, Thomas asked me if my body ever jerked. I told him sure, as I'm falling asleep. He asked if it ever jerked or jolted any other time. No. He expressed to me that sometimes his body did that.

I took it as a red flag, but we did not have time to do anything about it.

Fast forward to the beginning of June, when I happened to be in conversation with a neurologist. The doctor was describing the onset of Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. He said it starts out with "jerks" of the body at puberty. They typically happen in the morning, and it is typically the upper body, specifically the arms and head. The minute the doctor said this, the tears poured down my face. I knew. I told him that my 12-year-old had been complaining of the jolts or jerks. He said get him in for an EEG.

I scheduled and EEG immediately, but we were unable to get in until yesterday.

So all this while, during the sadness of dad's death, our own medical emergencies, in the back of my head I was worried sick that my baby had epilepsy. I did not struggle with this alone, I shared it with my best friend, but it has been very difficult.

Yesterday was the big day. Bob, Thomas and I were all three very cranky. We drove to a town an hour away (because we don't live in civilization, and there is no neurologist here) for his EEG. The process took about an hour and a half. The tech took a red grease pencil and tape measure and measured Thomas' head, placing red marks. She then attached the electrodes, 23 of them, to his head. That took awhile. Then the test started.

She said it would be a good thing for Thomas to go to sleep. He did. We sat and watched, and could see the EEG on the computer screen. I had no idea what I was looking at, but I did realize there was an awful lot of activity for a child who was asleep.

At one point in the test, I felt a coughing spree coming on. We were not supposed to talk, and I because I also was having difficulty breathing and I felt like the walls were closing in, I stepped out. Thomas was in safe hands, with his dad and the tech. I went outside for some fresh air, got myself a bottle of water, shed a few tears, composed myself and went back in. Oh yeah, I took a Xanax, too.

When I got back in, Thomas was awake and the tech started the strobe light portion of the test. Apparently, some people with epilepsy are photo-sensitive. Pretty soon the test was over and we escaped for lunch.

While at lunch, I broke my tooth. The top third of the back half of one of my bottom teeth just crumbled. Never a dull moment. Will see my dentist today. That was my root canal tooth -- so it was dead anyway.

We drove back to the clinic for the appointment with the doctor. All three of us were scrunched on a bench waiting for the doctor. I personally had a difficult time breathing due to stress. Thomas was tense and tight as a board. Finally the doctor came in.

My heart sunk when he started talking. He was asking all kinds of questions and not getting to the point. I knew it would be a diagnosis we did not want. Bob and I exchanged a look, because he knew, too.

He asked about learning disabilities and ADD. I don't know about ADD, we've never felt the need to get a diagnosis. I do know Thomas has issues with focus. As for learning disabilities, he was diagnosed as twice exceptional: gifted with learning disabilities. I have never shared that diagnosis with Thomas because I knew the learning disability part would crush him. His disability is processing speed. He does have central auditory processing disorder, which he knows about. So I um'ed, er'ed my way through that conversation, because I wasn't going to blurt out LDs right then. It didn't really matter anyway.

The doctor then said that Thomas had a very small airway. He asked us if Thomas snores, which we said yes. He was going to make a referral to the ENT doctor. He explained he wasn't an ENT, but that he would probably have to have his tonsils out to open up his airway. He suspects sleep apnea with Thomas. He thinks the ENT will want a sleep study.

So then he got to the heart of the matter. In a round about way, he gave us the diagnosis of Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy, JME. He started rattling on about medications when Thomas interrupted him. Thomas innocently asked him, "So are you saying I have epilepsy?" The doctor said yes. Thomas's body just went limp. I don't think he heard a lot after that.

At this point it seemed the whole conversation was rushed. I was feeling confused and also I was not thinking clearly enough to ask questions. Bob took over, thankfully, because my brain was shut down. The doctor prescribed a medication.

I was able to get in that Thomas goes to summer camp on Sunday, and should he start the med now or wait. Now. And there are no restrictions on what Thomas can do at camp either, as long as there are lifeguards during swimming and safety equipment on the rock climbing walls and high stuff. There is.

The doctor dropped the ball on explaining epilepsy and what exactly this diagnosis means to Thomas. The only thing he really said to him was that there are far worse things he could have. And there are. But to a 12-year-old, and his parents, this isn't so great. This has life-long consequences. What has started out as jerks has an 80-percent chance of developing into grand mal seizures. However, this is the most controllable form of epilepsy. The chances of a normal life are great.

Normal--define normal. Thomas will not be able to fly an airplane. Thomas will not be able to join the military. The chances are good that his college education will be paid for due to his disability. Many family members have received that benefit. And yes, he is officially disabled.

Epilepsy is no stranger to us. It runs in Bob's family. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Society has long put attached a stigma to it. "Have a fit" is a common expression that stems from epileptic seizures. I thought Thomas would want this kept private. He doesn't, because he wants the world to know that it's just misfiring of the electricity in a brain. That's all. It's a short circuit, if you will.

When we got home yesterday, we talked about what would be likely: the development of grand mal seizures. We talked about the few limitations he would have in life. We talked about the need for quality sleep on a nightly basis--no more staying up late. It was all very overwhelming to Thomas, and he ended up crying--a lot. We all three snuggled in mom and dad's bed, and our puppies joined us. In between tears, we had comic relief from our puppies.

We are on our way to finding our new normal.

This year has just sucked. I don't know how scared I should be with that ENT referral. Thomas isn't looking forward to a possible surgery. Neither am I. We're still mourning the loss of my dad, Thomas's Grandpa Charlie. We still miss our Jerry Lee. We still seem to have this black cloud hanging over our heads.

But we are all thankful that we have good health care, that time will heal all wounds, and life will go on. I worry about Thomas, my 12-year-old boy, and the amount of trauma he has been through this year. It's so much. I'm learning, though, that the has good character, he's remaining positive and accepting things. He's stronger than I could have imagined. He cries when he needs to. He lives in the moment, enjoying time with his friends. He's typical 12, moody and establishing his independence. I am very proud of him.

As he told me last night: I have epilepsy, mom, but it doesn't have to have me.

I think we'll survive.

Making the Rounds...

This is making many of the blogs that I read. I'm Just Sayin' asked some questions of homeschoolers, and I decided to answer, too.

1. What was your motivation for homeschooling? Was it based on religious reasons? Was is it based on curriculum - did you want more freedom in choosing what your children were being taught? Was it based on socializing - wanting to have more control in the people with whom your children came into contact with? Was it based on logistics - the nearest school being 20 miles away? What made you finally decide to go this route?

We finished our public school career at the end of the second grade. We homeschool Thomas to meet his emotional and educational needs.

2. Don't hate me for asking this. How to you handle socialization? What steps do you take to make sure your children are around other children and adults? Are you active in a home school group? Do you spend a lot of time at church activities? Maybe you utilize the local Y for activities and they meet friends there?

Starting at the bottom:
No local YMCA, otherwise we would be there.
We are Christians, but we do not go to church. (And I usually do not blog about religion as I feel it is a private thing.)
We are members of a homeschool group -- rather, were. I will not be renewing this year. The homeschool group only does their weekly co-op, and that's just not for us. They're very restrictive, IMHO, that the mother must stay and teach or help, and there's no say in the classes. Nope, too much like public school.
Socialization around adults: Thomas goes with us everywhere, sees us with friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. He was the only child member of our local train club, which sadly recently closed down. He was in the thick of things when my Dad had his heart attack, at the hospital daily for two weeks straight, then again at another hospital and VA until my dad passed away. He was not afraid to ask doctors or nurses questions, even though he's shy.
Socialization with children: Ceramics class, used to be in Cub Scouts until he aged out, and he hangs out at a local after-school hangout that is run by all the churches in our town. He plays with all the neighborhood kids, which vary widely in age. He has friends from public school that he still sees on occasion. We are friends with one homeschool family that we get together with every other month or so. Thomas is going to a week-long summer camp next week. Gulp, that's coming up fast!
I'd say the only difference between Thomas and a public-school kiddo is that he isn't around kids during school hours. Instead, he gets to be around two puppies and two cats and his mom. Dad visits on the lunch hour.
I do worry about socialization. There, I think I'm the only homeschooler that has ever admitted that. HOWEVER, I would worry if he were back in public school. Every parent wants their child to have a good friend, or a couple of good friends. Right now Thomas has "friends" but his GOOD friend moved away.

3. Do you use the public school system for any part of your child's routine? Some children here come to the school for band or chorus, or maybe for science class. Do you send your child to the public school to take advantage of any of their programs?

No, and no thank you. In our state, we are allowed -- I think it's $60 for curriculum. I have never, and will never, apply for the money.

4. Do your children begin and end school at the same time each day? Do they have a strict schedule, at least as far as waking up and reporting to the school area of your home? If not, when/how will you transition your children into following a more rigid schedule - awaking at the same time each day so that they can follow a routine outside of the home like for college and work?

No strict schedule. We usually wake up when we wake up. I do like school started by
9, and our day IS school not other stuff. We are done when we've finished that day's work.

I am not worried about following a routine for college and work at all. You do what you have to do -- go to bed, set an alarm -- piece of cake. We do that from time to time, say on vacation or when visiting an ill loved one. It works.

5. How many spelling bees has your child won? Oh, I'm kidding. We all know most of the recent national spelling bee winners have been home schooled children. I just wanted to throw a little funny in there?

My child can't spell. There, I said it. He knows it, too. He isn't bad, he always hits his grade level on standardized tests, but he's no spelling bee competitor. Now if they had a science bee, he'd be up there.

6. Do you have a sense of humor? It's probably a little late for me to ask that but...

Yes, I have a sense of humor. It doesn't show through in my writing, but I have a wicked sense of humor.

7. Where do you find your curriculum? Do you shop for it and order it? Do you create your own?

Everywhere. Reading blogs, keeping current on the Rainbow Resource catalog, reading homeschool boards, talking with fellow homeschoolers. I create my own on occasion.

8. Do you have any worries at all about teaching your teenagers the higher level math and sciences? I, for one, could not teach chemistry to my children but I could probably teach them calculus. Is this a concern for you?

Chemistry? Oh, yeah, I worry about that. But Thomas is lucky, he has a dad who is really good in science. However, no, I do not worry about teaching upper level courses. If I can't teach something, and Bob can't, we'll get a tutor or do an online class or something.

9. What bothers you the most about the reputation home schoolers have? What things do you hate to hear people say about you for your choice? I really hope you don't say that it's my previous post.

That we're all the same: Denim-jumper wearing fundamentalist Christians. We're as diverse as public school families. Many of us are very open minded about life and people.

10. Be honest, do you, at least in your mind sometimes, judge those of us who choose public school? Do you ever think we are making a bad choice for our children? Are you vocal about that disapproval?

No, I do not judge those who choose public school. Ever. I did it! What I do judge is PUBLIC SCHOOL itself, and I throw comments about teachers around, which I shouldn't because I know there are some great teachers out there. There are some awful teachers, too -- been there, done that. There are many good things about public schools, but there are a lot of problems, too.

11. Is "home school" one word or two? I've seen it both ways. With spellcheck, it shows it as ONE word when used as a verb, but two words when used otherwise. Please enlighten me.

I always write it as one word.