thoughts on our life right now

skip on by if you don't want to read about my dog, my tears, Thomas's tears, etc.


I didn't feel like blogging at all, but my mind is just racing.

Nights are the worst. Jerry and I always enjoyed the last potty of the night. We sit outside, staring at the stars for a long time. He'll do his business, check out what he needs to check out, then sit at my feet. Last night and tonight, he sat by my side and leaned his head on my lap. Of course I bawled.

Today Jerry couldn't get on my bed. We listen to a book on tape every afternoon, the three of us (or four or five, depending on the cats' moods) and poor Jerry Lee couldn't get on the bed. I got a step stool and showed him how to use it, but he wouldn't. So he laid on the floor, Thomas listened to a book on mythology, and I cried, dripping tears onto my dog. I laid on the side of the bed with my arm flopping over the side petting him. He was able to get into Thomas' bed as it's much lower to the ground. I may sneak into bed with T tonight and bring Jerry with me.

I'm stuck with all I'm going to miss about him. He's so gentle and quiet. I laugh every time we go outside and the neighbor's poodle from hell is out there yapping incessantly. Jerry will turn his head to look at her, but then look away and completely ignore her. I always say under my breath, "Good boy, Jerry."

When I come home, Jerry butts the window blinds out his way and his face is the first thing I see as I drive up into the garage.

Jerry always follows me every where I go. Right now he's at my feet. I most love the fact he'll get in my bed and lay long back to back with me. You know, like a husband would do if the big German Shepherd weren't in the way? lol

I love the way he plays with Thomas, and with the neighborhood kids. Very gentle.

I don't love, but will miss the way he humps our male cat every single day. That is always good for a NO NO, Jerry and then a laugh about our cross-gender gay dog.

I won't miss his killer farts--oh man, they're bad, clean a room in 15 seconds flat, that dog can. (Dad and I were discussing the fact that Jerry always had that horrendous gas all his life, no matter what food he was eating. Dad thinks this cancer has been effecting him for a very long time. I don't know if I'll ask the vet about that or not, because our next vet visit will not be a talkative one.

I won't miss the way he always fanned me. When he gets excited about anything, he turns so his tail is facing me and wags it fast and furious. He usually does this in the winter when it's cold. It would drive me nuts! Who will fan me now?

I will miss that he never once had an accident in this house. He did throw up the past few weeks, but always tried to make it outside.

I will miss his warm, deep eyes. I used to think we were looking into each other's souls.

My husband's church teaches that dogs do not go to heaven. We don't go to church now, but we have discussed that in the past with Thomas. Suddenly Thomas is upset about that. We have assured him that heaven is what you want it to be, and by golly, pets ARE in heaven.

I will miss vacuuming my floors all the time. All that hair. Everywhere. I should have knitted a sweater with it.

I will miss Jerry. I called him DAWG quite often. Come on, dawg.

This afternoon I was thinking it would have been easier to have him put to sleep the day we went to the good vet. This is VERY painful watching him die. I mean we're loving him, nurturing him, crying, laughing, crying some more. We're feeding him Alpo, people food. bite-sized peanut butter sandwiches with pills hidden within. Tonight he had an ice cream snack. I even bought the $4 bags of Beggin' Strips -- two of 'em.

My heart just aches. I want to scream it aches so bad.

Thomas's heart aches. I want to scream because my baby is hurting so.

Thomas and I were very touched by Mama B. She blogged something special for Thomas. We both cried. Thank you, Mama B.

Tonight we were talking about her kind words and Thomas asked me something. He reminded me how I said no more dogs when Jerry first got sick and we didn't know anything. I said yes. He told me that he just had to have a dog in his life. He hated that Jerry was going, it isn't fair, mom! he proclaimed. But Jerry wouldn't want us to be sad, and all that love mama b was talking about needed to be given to someone else. So he's wanting a new dog when Jerry passes.

Then he said he felt awful talking about it with Jerry right here at my feet.

I'll have to think about it. I did tell my dad about that on the phone and he laughed and said you'll have a new dog very soon. I said maybe, but it won't be Jerry Lee.

Through all this black cloud, we still did school today. Thomas wanted to do it in the living room. We're not couch schoolers (except when I'm reading a book). We set up in the living room anyway. Jerry laid on the floor next to Thomas as he did his work. In the afternoon, we had geography left. Thomas threw a fit. Now normally he'll whine about something he doesn't want to do, but today I saw a side of Thomas I have never seen. He told me no, he wasn't doing geography, he just wants to sit next to Jerry. I said we ARE doing geography now come over here and we'll get started. NO, mom. I told him he was being disrespectful. He sat by me.

We talked about how when we hurt, we have to maintain a little control. We can't be mean to others, life goes on, we have to get our work done. We still hurt, but that's our job. He apologized and then went to Africa.

Sunday is Thomas's birthday. I only have half of his present purchased and I have no plans on what we're going to do. We originally had planned on going to Sioux Falls for the weekend, but that just cannot happen now. Thomas wants a South Park cake. Don't ask, I'm not ready to explain why he knows about South Park--he dad needs to explain that one. I normally love planning special surprises and happy treats, a nice cake, etc. This year the joy is drained.

I just hope and pray that Jerry doesn't die on Thomas's birthday.

And I hope and pray that Jerry passes here at home rather than at the vet's office. Why? Because he was so traumatized at the vet's office that they had to give him a tranquilizer. He has never liked going to the vet. Ever. They usually muzzle him. And believe me, Jerry is a gentle giant. It is such odd behavior. The second he's off the table, he's happy and wagging his tail again. So if he were to pass at home in his sleep, that wold be much more peaceful--for him.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

That's how my brain has been the past few days.

I'm kind of going on fumes.