Saturday, August 26, 2006

Saturday Afternoon ups and downs

Thomas has been playing outside all day. I get a little worried when I don't see him zipping in and out or in the neighbor's yard, but I assume (hope!) he's fine. It's about time to call the mom down the road to see what the boys are up to.

I haven't felt like blogging at all. I have such a feeling of sadness. Sometimes, after almost 17 years of marriage, I lose touch with my husband's feelings -- or he loses touch of mine and we just tend to exist together. It runs in spurts, and I think it's a comfort thing, like wearing an old, worn pair of shoes or jeans. That feeling is gone, now, as I watch him. I can see his stress and worry on his face. His entire demeanor has changed. My heart aches for him.

Losing a parent (or anyone) is always difficult. My husband confessed it's been years since he's lost anyone. He was young when his grandparents passed. We were newly married when the final grandma passed. This one is so much closer to home.

Anyway, as my husband said the night we wept together at the Pizza Hut, it makes you appreciate those you love more. He was right. I have been flooded with feelings for my man. Even though he's testy and a little grumpy, I just feel so drawn to him right now. He hurts, therefore I hurt. I just want to hug him and make it all better.

The cowboy had a very rough night last night. We got the phone call that he may not make it through the night. He had developed pneumonia. Well, he made it through the night and is a little better today, but he's still on shaky ground. I wonder if he will ever be able to go home again -- even for a short time. I just can't imagine leaving for a doctor's appointment and cat scan and never going home again.

It's weird, but when Thomas and I were alone that night at the cowboy's house, I did dishes. They don't have a dishwasher, so I had to wash by hand. I picked up the Cowboy's coffee cup that was sitting next to his chair. I knew that was the cup he had used for his morning coffee that very morning. The thought ran across my mind: I wonder if this is his last cup of coffee here. Weird as it may seem, I almost didn't want to wash the cup. I wanted to save it and just look at it for awhile. I wanted it to give me some peace -- like he going to walk in at any minute, sit down at the table with me and have a cup of coffee together.

Life is short. Hug those you love. Even if they're grumpy, stressed, sad and worried.

One thing is true: I am looking forward to starting school. I need some certainty in my life. We start after Labor Day. I have one week to get the school room cleaned. I've been working on that all summer. lol

I wish I could say Thomas was looking forward to school. He's not. I'll be completely honest here: He never looks forward to school. It's just something he has to do. I do envy reading about kids who are excited to start. My reality is 180 degrees different. And that's okay. He's still learning.

I've got a room that needs a cleanin' calling my name.


wisteria said...

You are an unbelievable person who is able to feel everyone's feelings, fears, and spirit. Who better to make a raft for everyone swimming around. Hang on and you will be able to guide all the people you love to safety.

Postponing school is not such a horrible thing. Ya'll are dealing with so much now. If Thomas is not craving the structure of school and needs more time to cope, I would give it to him, and you.

I'm sorry for your uncertainty and loss. I am here.

Mother Crone's Homeschool said...

The positive of the loss you are facing is that you are going closer to your DH through it. I can totally relate to losing that closeness at times, and it is something to cherish when you can get back there.
Good luck with the school room. I know I do my best cleaning when I am upset!

Ms.L said...

I'm sorry:(

mom2radata said...

You know what. We are are not off to a running start this year either but so what. That is the beauty of home schooling. It fits your life. Your life doesn't have to fit it.