Friday, July 18, 2008


If this weren't a G-rated blog, I'd be swearing up a storm today. I'm in a very bad mood.

Why? Well, I have good news -- neurologically I'm fine, fit as a fiddle. My doctor says that he's not concerned about my weird eye thing, and to chalk it up to just that, weird. He was rather cute and said, "That's okay, I'm weird too."

BUT then he says to me that he would guess I snore, a lot, and loudly. Mm-hmm. He examined my throat and said I have soft palate issues. He said I had five red flags on my medical history to indicate I have sleep apnea. He is writing a letter to my doctor so that we can get a sleep study underway. He's certain I have it. And he thinks I have it bad.

&*(%^*^% Why does this anger me? Because I don't want to have to use one of those &@#$!ing machines. I have issues getting comfortable as it is. I sleep on my stomach. Always. I cannot sleep in any other position. You can't change 43 years' worth of stomach sleeping like that.

I also am sick to death of doctors, doctors' offices, and medical bills. So sick of them that I haven't gone back to my doctor for my ears and sinuses. I'd rather suffer than walk in another facility.

And damn it all, I don't want to sleep in front of people. My neighbor just had a sleep study done and he was watched while he slept. I cannot do that. Period. I would never sleep. I mean I might fart, scratch something inappropriate or drool. The invasion of privacy is enough to set me off. My anxiety is high already.

The thought of actually feeling good and rested every day? Well, that sounds wonderful. I'm tired of being sick and tired, but I don't want to wear something on my head every night. I don't want to be tested. I'm just going to be in a pissy mood over this.

I know, I should be happy. But I'm not. I'm kicking and screaming at the moment. And I've said every dirty word I know many times today. And that's a lot of words. Well, at least in my mind. Well, I said a few out loud when Thomas was outside. And I said a few when he was in my presence.

Shit. There, I said it. I'm human.

Tantrum over. Will call Monday morning first thing and make yet another flipping doctor appointment.

Okay, tantrum really over -- for the moment.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

2 am Whining Again

It's 2 am and I'm awake. Wide awake.

I woke up this morning feeling very ill -- extremely toxic is how I felt. I just felt as if my system was full of bad things. I won't get into descriptive detail, but I was sick the whole day. Today, the couch was my friend.

Didn't get the kitchen done.
Didn't get anything done.

Tesla was sick and threw up in his crate this morning.
He had the runs tonight. Bob called the vet tonight and he told us to give him Kaopectate. Bob ran to the store and took care of the dog. All the while, I was on the couch. Sick.

Lying there tonight, I just kept thinking about my dad and how I miss him. I also kept thinking how this year has just sucked.

Friday I go to a neurologist appointment for this funky thing I have going on with my eye. If I lie down to watch TV, when I get up my vision is so blurred I can't see to read. I can't see numbers on the clock. It's just in one eye. It's been going on for years, and finally someone took me seriously when I mentioned it. I really don't feel like going to the appointment, though, because...

I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of hospitals. I'm sick of medical bills stacked high on my pile. I'm sick my ear infections. I'm sick of sinusitis. I'm sick of feeling like sh*t. I'm sick of my town. I'm sick of my house. I'm sick of my neighbors. I'm sick of my clothes. I'm just sick. UGH

whine, whine, whine

If I could just start to feel decent, life would be so much easier. I want to take Thomas swimming at the lake. I can't because of these stupid ear infections. Well, I could, but I hate lying around on a beach -- I'd rather be in the water. And in all honesty, I haven't had the strength to go to the beach. Or the grocery store. Or anywhere.

I still have to order my school books. I'm still undecided on what to do about English. This year needs to focus on writing, but we still need grammar work, too.

I'm sick of searching, I'm sick of decision making. I want a magic wand so I can wave the wand and fix everything.

I'm going to drink some more water and go back to bed.

Monday, July 14, 2008


Today started with a very slow start. Last night I started having excruciating pain in my sinuses -- burning, so I had to take a Vicodin. Took the pain away and gave me a horrible case of insomnia. I was awake until 3:30. This morning I felt like I was hung over -- something I haven't felt in 20 years or so. Ugh. I got up, took care of the puppies, and went back to bed. I got up at noon. Thomas stayed in bed that whole time, the little booger. I really hate the feeling of being doped up, but the pain has been very bad at times. Hopefully I'm on the mend now and can do without.

I had planned on starting my day early, as I was going to deep clean the kitchen. Well, by the time we ate, showered, and got started, it was 2. Of course we couldn't eat here, we went out for a hamburger. And then I decided to try a Starbucks coffee half caf. lol I was full of excuses.

We got started on the kitchen. I have cleared out, deep cleaned and re-organized five cupboards. I've vacuumed the floors, picked up the kitchen, run two loads through the dishwasher and picked up the living room.

We decided that we needed to go out for dinner, as Bob would be home very late. Well, that turned out to be a two-hour affair. We hit Subway and Thomas ran into his very good friend who moved away last year. They were in town visiting. Sooo, the boys sat down at a table together and so did the moms. We visited for two hours.

Where did the day go?

Luckily no pain tonight, so I'm planning on some great sleep. I decided to not take the levaquin. After reading things on the internet, then talking again with the pharmacist this weekend, I think it's very risky. I have a history of tendinitis, which the doctor did not ask me about. I have had cortisone injections because it's been so bad. One of the nasty side effects from the Levaquin is tendon rupture. Too risky for me. I still have the ear infections and the sinusitis, but it's getting much better. So, knock on wood, I'll wing it without meds.

I should finish re-organizing the kitchen tomorrow. Thomas has been a great help, running little errands for me. I then need to wash walls, curtains and scrub and treat the floors. Never a dull moment.

Thomas's standardized test finally came in the mail today. It was only a week late. Or was it two weeks late? We'll have to start that later this week. Yuck.

After the kitchen is completed, I plan to do the living room and then school room. The school room is so bad -- everything is stacked on the floor, so I can barely walk. Yuck. The effects of this stressful year are really hitting me now. But by golly, I'm going to have a clean house soon!