Sunday, June 08, 2008

Roller Coaster

Life continues to be a roller coaster -- full of ups and downs.

Today was a good day, I got a lot of cleaning (desperately needed, I might add!) done and several loads of laundry. I even looked at my summer and 7th grade plans and started rethinking next year's choices.

Tonight I talked on the phone with my sister. I told her how sad I am that we'll be at dad's house next week to clean it out. This is so hard for me. I am the only one of four children that lived in that house. We moved there my sophomore year of high school. I first started dating while there, I smooched my sweeties on the patio glider, I snuck cigarettes there, and forgive me for saying this, I had a game of strip poker there when my parents weren't home. (I did not strip, only one guy did -- it was my first year of college, I was crazy.) Oh gosh, I've never admitted that to anyone.

Where I live now is my home, but dad's house is home, too. It's hard to say goodbye. I am fearing I'll be highly emotional. I told my sister tonight that I don't want to clean the counter next to the stove because that's where dad kept his calendar, his appointment cards, and all his very important stuff and I was never allowed to touch it. How on earth can I go in there and move his stuff, throw it away, take some, load some up for siblings, and/or donate it? I have such an attachment.

I've been in bed, but I started crying. That's why I got up -- blogging to take tears away. I guess it's all part of the mourning process.

I miss my dad every single day. Dad was a rock, my rock, my safety net, the man with answers. Now he's gone, his home will be gone, and we'll just have our memories and mementos we take with us.

Right before my mom died she told me that, "Death is a part of life." Don't' fear it. She then keeled over, had a heart attack in front of me, and was in a coma for nearly three days before she passed.

Hey, why am I the one child, out of four, that had to witness both my parents' heart attacks? My sister said it was because I was the one that could handle it. Handle it -- well, I did at the time. After, I broke down. I gained 50 pounds seemingly overnight when mom died. I am not gaining weight with dad's death, but I have that new diagnosis of anxiety disorder. Hey, maybe all the shaking I do when I'm having a panic attack will burn some calories and help me lose that 50 pounds I gained 15 years ago. Wishful thinking.

It's just hard to say goodbye. No more Denver. No more driving I-25, which I hated with a passion. No more Casa Bonita. No more swimming in dad's pool. No more Olive Garden with dad. No more a lot of things.

I have asked Thomas to think of some things he'd like to do because this will probably be the last time for years to come that we'll be in Denver. Casa Bonita was the top of his list. I'd like to go to the Nature and Science Museum again -- I love that place. The Denver Art Museum, the train museum in Golden, our old haunts, silly things like dad's Sam's Club, DAV to buy used clothing on senior citizen day. Dad would pay and get the 50% discount.

Gosh, I am not enjoying this goodbye one bit. I'm kicking and screaming inside. And crying a little, too.

I miss my dad. My mind tells me he's in a better place (yes, I do believe that) and pain free. My mind reminds me he was 81 years old, lived an excellent life. Still, it's hard.

Goodbye Dad, goodbye house, goodbye Denver. Time for a new chapter.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about your father's passing. My dad has been gone 16 years this summer, and it still hurts when I think about how he never got to see my son. But I also wanted to comment on Casa Bonita-when I read this post I remembered a fun restaurant in Denver that I went to 30 years ago on a high school band trip. It was like a cave, complete with cliff divers. Imagine my surprise when I googled it and came up with your son's favorite place! It seems like they had people dressed up in big animal costumes, too. A strange place, tho I don't remember the food.
Dot

Becky said...

Sending more hugs, and thinking of you,

Elisheva Hannah Levin said...

Frankie, I will be thinking of you next week. I hope you can take time out of the sad and bittersweet work of going through your dad's things to enjoy some of those old Denver traditions with Thomas.

Sending hugs.

Summer Fae said...

Frankie,

I will be keeping you in my thoughts this week.

(((hugs)))

audrey said...

*sigh* I know what you're feeling. When my mom died I knew I'd never see that place again. Same thing when my dad died. I've never been back to either place. I'm really okay with that. On to new chapters and all that...

Kate in NJ said...

((hugs)) My Aunt lives in Denver, and
yes, the same one who is coming out here to try to put my Grandmother in a "home" (instead of the home she's lived in for the past 55 years) and sell all her stuff
including the house which was the only stable "home" in my life growing up. I promise to stop wishing for Denver to be swallowed whole until you and Thomas return safely.

You will be in my thoughts as you deal with this...I had a terrible time "letting go" of my Mom's stuff after she died.

Anonymous said...

I'll be thinking of you over the next few weeks. I know it will be hard & bittersweet to go through all this. Give yourself plenty of breaks, and plenty of time to laugh & remember too.

Sending lots of hugs your way.

the GA peach ;-)